Hard to believe it's been nearly a whole year since I've blogged. Two children is MUCH more time consuming than one. And that extra little child is the reason for this blog now. I want to share with you all Emalyn's story.
At some point I should share my testimony I shared at church in Ohio last spring. It even fits the Matthew West Tour theme :) That being said.... all about Emalyn... Part 1.
The name Emalyn means "peaceful home" - we named her Emalyn Grace as a play on the words to literally mean "a home of peace and grace". I should have known better than to jinx us!
My pregnancy was a blessing and a disaster. Every time I went for a "routine" check up it would turn into some type of new drama. Something was wrong with me. Something was wrong with the baby. Something was wrong with both babies (wait what?!?!?) - oh nevermind, it's just one baby. Your heart isn't right. Her head isn't right. Your hormone levels aren't high enough. Her bowels aren't normal. I stopped counting after the 13th ultrasound.
In June, Byron and I made it back to Alaska after his year long deployment to Afghanistan. Despite the continuation of a chaos-filled pregnancy we prepared ourselves for the arrival of our little blessing, Emalyn. Emalyn was due September 12, 2012. By the beginning of August I was incredibly uncomfortable. By mid-August I could hardly walk through a store without having to sit down and rest in the middle. By the last week of August I simply stopped going out altogether. On the morning of August 29th I started having some pretty regular contractions and went in to be checked. I was told I was in latent labor... to go home and get rest and I'd likely be back within 24 hours. That night my water broke and we headed right back in. At 6:15pm on August 30th we welcomed a 6lb. 11oz. beautiful baby girl into our world. They put her on my chest and she just stared up at me with those big, round eyes.. not crying, not wiggling all around, just staring at me. Within the hour she was nursing like a champ and zonked out for a nice, long rest. We were in our own little heaven.
A few hours later I realized she seemed very congested. I called a nurse in who told me it was "normal" and just from the amniotic fluid still working itself out. I didn't remember that with Madison, but knowing every baby is different I settled in for the night. By 1am her little ribs were retracting in and out as she was struggling to take breaths. I was terrified and I knew something just wasn't right. I tried nursing but she refused. I called the nurses in, and they immediately rushed her away. After several hours of not hearing anything they finally brought her back to me. I was told they still felt it was the fluid leftover and that after being on blow by oxygen she was keeping her saturation levels up and would be "just fine". As morning came she only got worse. I begged them to do something. She couldn't eat. She couldn't sleep. And she just kept staring at me with those eyes like "Mama HELP me" They finally put her in a "tent" with blow by oxygen and saline humidification. She started to finally eat from a spoon and rested comfortably. For the entire 24 hours I was hospitalized (yes, only 24 hours) she continued to struggle when not in her tent. They released her anyway.
At her 48 hour recheck we had to go up to the L&D unit to see a doctor we hadn't seen yet. I was not a fan. She had lost 10% of her body weight (normal is up to 10% - they don't like to see more than that). He was concerned only about her weight and continued to brush off her breathing issues as "normal" for post delivery.
The next two weeks are pretty much a blur to me. I wish I knew then how much she was really struggling. I wish I knew which retractions to watch for, which breathing patterns, which signs of breathing difficulties to know about. But we didn't. We chalked it up to her being "normal". Despite it all, she was an AMAZING baby. She always seemed so at peace when she was in between her breathing episodes. During that time period she started having bad eye discharge. At one point between week 2 and 3 her eye got so goopy it was completely sealed shut. When I took her in her pediatrician told us it was either pink eye or blocked tear ducts and she was sent home with eye ointment. Once again her breathing issues were brushed off. Only because of my own concerns the doctor sent home her first round of medications.
The night finally came when she turned blue from being able to breathe. I rushed her up to the ER on base. They gave her an atrivent treatment and told me it was just a cold virus she would have to get over. They did an RSV test (of course negative) and sent her home. Two nights later she turned blue again. I rushed her up to the emergency room on base again. She was rushed into triage where a nurse came in and assured me she was a neonatal nurse and knew exactly what she was doing. She proceeded to shove an n/g tube into her nose. (I know now her reasoning for that was to check for atresia, a condition where an entire nasal passage or both are blocked off completely - if you can pass a tube it's not atresia) Upon taking it out her oxygenation level went from the already dangerous 80's to the mid 70's. She was gasping for breath and turning blue again. We had somewhere between 4-5 nurses and physician assistants surrounding her at any given moment for the next few hours. They tried shoving adult nasal trumpets into her nose. Yes, adult. That caused further damage. After oxygen for several hours and another atrivent treatment she was stablized and sent back home. Are you sensing a theme yet? They told us to just have a followup with her ped in the morning. Her pediatrician at the time was not available so we got to see Dr. Hurlston. Every single day I THANK GOD for Dr. Hurlston. She took one look at baby Em, one look at me and said "Why in the world has this baby not been admitted yet?!?" She wrote direct orders to have us admitted into the pediatric ward of Fairbanks Memorial. She was hospitalized for two days where they ran an insane amount of tests and labwork, to include a CT scan. An adult ENT came in to talk to me after reviewing the CT scan. He told me that she just had swollen nasal passages probably due to trauma (the nasal trumpets) that was probably exacerbated by a cold virus. You would think I would have questioned him at this point. A baby does not have a cold virus from birth for 5 weeks straight. We had plans to surprise family and fly to Ohio and had bought tickets before we knew Em was going to be so sick. The doctor thought the change in climate and better access to care would be better for her. They released her and sent us home with new meds and a nebulizer. In Ohio it was the same story... struggling to breathe, admission into Akron Children's, x-rays, testing, hospitalizations. She saw a pediatric ENT who did a scope on her. He was the first one to throw the word "stenosis" at us. He said she was still suffering from swelling but she also had very narrowed passageways to both her nose and eyes (this explained the eye discharge, too) I had to stop nursing to keep her sats up. He said that as babies get older they outgrow the condition. Most babies outgrow it by 2 months old. We figured out a way to get her to eat and had her on regular nebulizer treatments. She seemed to improve some and dare I say was "stable" We flew back to Alaska. Two days later it was the same story all over again. I called up on base in tears. Carol, the nuse who has come to know and love Emmy, heard her breathing in the background. After her initial "oh my goodness is that her breathing?!?!?" she sent me right up to Fairbanks Memorial again. They admitted her... again. The doctors and nurses there came to know her very well. She saw another regular ENT who reviewed everything, including the CT scan again. He told us she had stenosis, but there was a surgery we could have done to fix it. Dr. Hurlston was very proactive about everything and got stuff going for us to go to Seattle for the surgery. She was released and then again admitted before we ever left Fairbanks, and spent the last 4 days before we left hospitalized and monitored. In Seattle she started to struggle again. The pediatric otolaryngologist saw her and scoped her again. I pleaded with him not to give her Afrin as she had so much she was having rebound issues from it. He did it anyway so he could scope her. His official diagnosis was "rhinitis neonatorum" with nasal and nasolacrimal stenosis. Rhinitis neonatorum is really just a generalized, scientific way of saying she has a blocked nose and we don't know what's causing it. The surgery was canceled because the stenosis was in her middle nose affecting tissue. He started her on steroid drops and sent us on our way. One of the best friends ever possible, Ashley, lives close to Seattle and came to visit us that night. Instead of a leisurely evening catching up with a friend we spent it in the ER of Seattle Children's. That entire night was a disaster. It makes me angry just to think about it so I'm not going to relive all of the details. They sent us back to the hotel in the morning and on a plane back to Fairbanks that night.
The steroid drops seemed to be her little miracle drug. For six wonderful weeks she was a normal baby. She could nurse again. She could sleep again. She could function as a normal baby. That's all the first half of her story. I've spent a lot of time researching the condition as it seems to have such little known about it. Part 2 is to come later as I am still a mommy first and foremost and my little ones need me!
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Our comings and goings: Two Houses
Matthew West "Two Houses"
This song spoke volumes to me as Byron and I were quickly approaching the legal stage of our separation. Matthew's album had just been released and this song brought me to my knees and continually filled me with guilt and dread of the life Madison was going to be subjected to. It was that raw guilt that made me realize that all was not said and done, and that huge things could (and little did I know would) happen to drastically change our situation for the better. In the end, Madison needs her daddy and I need my husband.
That being said, I thought I might need to publicly announce our near and upcoming future as a family. Byron will likely return to the U.S. by the end of April. He will return to Alaska since that is his duty station. We were expecting a curtailment (basically leaving Alaska sometime this year) but as Army plans tend to do, that changed. Byron will come here to Ohio for the month of June and then we will drive back to Alaska together at the end of June. We will likely be there for the next year and a half or so. Baby is due in September, and we are excited about starting this next chapter as a family of 4.
It's not a long, wordy blog today. However, it is a testament to how far God has brought us in the past two years. I am so grateful that when we don't have the ears or heart to listen to what people tell us that we were given ears to hear music. And I'm grateful that Matthew West's music spoke so strongly to me that I didn't give up. Bring on the next chapter. We're ready!
Well, Mom found her a new place to liveAnd Dad found him a new girlfriendLooks like every- body's moving onAnd it's, "Hey, look on the bright side kid,Now you've got two ChristmasesAnd it's every other weekend from now on"Yeah, but all I want is the way it wasWhen love would always last foreverAnd families stayed together
Back to the day before two housesWhen they held my hands when I was littleBefore I got caught in the middleSomewhere in between two houses
'Cause these two houses sure don't feel like homeWide-eyed wonder grows up fastTrust is shot and nothing lastsAnd I'm thinking maybe it was all my fault[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/two-houses-lyrics-matthew-west.html ]And will I ever get back toThe innocence that I once knewBefore that Summer turned into FallWhen I close my eyes, I go back in time
I heard about a love that never leavesSo I'm asking you to show meI'm talking to You down here on my kneesFeels like You've always known me
When love would always last for- everAnd families stayed togetherBack to the day before two housesYou were holding my hand when I was littleYou were there when I was in the middleSomewhere in between two housesThese two housesThese two housesBut tonight my heart has finally found a home
This song spoke volumes to me as Byron and I were quickly approaching the legal stage of our separation. Matthew's album had just been released and this song brought me to my knees and continually filled me with guilt and dread of the life Madison was going to be subjected to. It was that raw guilt that made me realize that all was not said and done, and that huge things could (and little did I know would) happen to drastically change our situation for the better. In the end, Madison needs her daddy and I need my husband.
That being said, I thought I might need to publicly announce our near and upcoming future as a family. Byron will likely return to the U.S. by the end of April. He will return to Alaska since that is his duty station. We were expecting a curtailment (basically leaving Alaska sometime this year) but as Army plans tend to do, that changed. Byron will come here to Ohio for the month of June and then we will drive back to Alaska together at the end of June. We will likely be there for the next year and a half or so. Baby is due in September, and we are excited about starting this next chapter as a family of 4.
It's not a long, wordy blog today. However, it is a testament to how far God has brought us in the past two years. I am so grateful that when we don't have the ears or heart to listen to what people tell us that we were given ears to hear music. And I'm grateful that Matthew West's music spoke so strongly to me that I didn't give up. Bring on the next chapter. We're ready!
Well, Mom found her a new place to liveAnd Dad found him a new girlfriendLooks like every- body's moving onAnd it's, "Hey, look on the bright side kid,Now you've got two ChristmasesAnd it's every other weekend from now on"Yeah, but all I want is the way it wasWhen love would always last foreverAnd families stayed togetherBack to the day before two housesWhen they held my hands when I was littleBefore I got caught in the middleSomewhere in between two houses
'Cause these two houses sure don't feel like homeWide-eyed wonder grows up fastTrust is shot and nothing lastsAnd I'm thinking maybe it was all my fault[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/two-houses-lyrics-matthew-west.html ]And will I ever get back toThe innocence that I once knewBefore that Summer turned into FallWhen I close my eyes, I go back in time
I heard about a love that never leavesSo I'm asking you to show meI'm talking to You down here on my kneesFeels like You've always known me
When love would always last for- everAnd families stayed togetherBack to the day before two housesYou were holding my hand when I was littleYou were there when I was in the middleSomewhere in between two housesThese two housesThese two housesBut tonight my heart has finally found a home
Monday, February 27, 2012
Chardon Shooting "Family Tree"
When the Littleton and Virginia Tech shootings took place there was an unmistakable shock and sadness that shook throughout the nation. If you're the average person you were filled with a sense of loss for the lives lost and communities suffering. And thank goodness nothing like that ever hits close to home, right?
Wrong.
Today a teenage boy opened fire on 5 Chardon students, killing one of them. I have close family and friends from Chardon... it was the "next door neighbor" to my own high school. The student killed is family of one of Byron's closest friends. This isn't entirely too close to home. This IS home.
As the day has gone on and minimal details have unraveled I think we've all felt a sense of despair and wanting answers, wanting to know, how, what, WHY. The police, school officials, teachers, EMT's have done an amazing job today and I have huge amounts of respect for them. That being said, we don't know much about the shooter. He was a troubled teen attending an alternative school, known to have behavior issues. Dad was convicted of murder, parents were divorced, friends saying he "changed" in 8th grade. A loner... I've heard that repeated several times throughout the day. Speculations of a fight between the students shot and this boy over jilted lover and an ex-girlfried. Theories of a drug deal gone wrong. Accusations and fingers being pointed at the students shot for bullying and at the family for "not being there" for the shooter, T.J. In my opinon, it needs to stop. There may have been signs, there will likely be a motive that comes forward but it is not our job to judge or pre-determine it for officials.
That being said, my heart is just breaking for everyone involved. Keeping in theme with my Matthew West blogs "Family Tree" speaks volumes about this horrifying day for Chardon.
You didn't ask for this
Nobody ever would
Caught in the middle of this dysfunction
It's your sad reality
It's your messed up family tree
And all you're left with is all these questions
Are you gonna be like your father was and his father was?
Do you have to carry what they've handed down?
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your destiny
Yesterday does not define you
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you
I have a dream for you
It's better than where you've been
It's bigger than your imagination
You're gonna find real love
And you're gonna hold your kids
You'll change the course of generations
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your destiny
Yesterday does not define you
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you
Cause you're my child
You're my chosen
You are loved
You are loved
And I will restore
All that was broken
You are loved
You are loved
And just like the seasons change
Winter into spring
You're brining new life to your family tree now
Yes you are
You are
No, this will be your legacy
This will be your destiny
Yesterday did not define you
No, this will be your legacy
This will be your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you
And just like the seasons change
Winter into spring
You're brining new life to your family tree now
Every single person reading this. Every single person not reading this. The students. The families. T.J. This is YOUR story. Other people's mistakes and dysfunctions are not your identity. You are not a victim because of your genes. You do not have to fall into harmful and painful footsteps that your family has created before you. When tragedy likes this strikes everyone is left wondering "What more could I have done?" "How did I mess up so much that I didn't see this coming?" "Why did I not do something sooner?" I refuse to believe that this kid was born into violence or murder just because it's how his father was. I don't believe that his true identity is one of bully-driven hatred and anger. He is not the shadow of an alleged murderer or the creation of bullies. He is T.J. And he has his own identity. Let's not try to assign him one just because we need answers.
Everyone please take in the lyrics of this song and TRUST them. If you are down, depressed, angry, full of revenge or hatred. Those feelings are not your identity. They aren't what has to define you. No one on this earth may have the power to reverse things you've experienced or seen... and no one may have the right words or a magic wand to make the hurt and anger go away. But there is never, ever an excuse to allow yourself to go over the edge. EVERYONE has people who love them... and even when it seems the world walks out you have a loving God who is always, always there loving you through every trial and tribulation. You don't have to be alone and you don't have to pre-destined to desperation.
Please keep the victims, the families, the community and especially the family and friends of T.J. and T.J. himself in your prayers. Let's love them through this and not let our shock, sadness and even anger fuel the fire and drama.
“I choose gentleness… Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice may it be only in praise. If I clench my fist, may it be only in prayer. If I make a demand, may it be only of myself. ”
— Max Lucado
Wrong.
Today a teenage boy opened fire on 5 Chardon students, killing one of them. I have close family and friends from Chardon... it was the "next door neighbor" to my own high school. The student killed is family of one of Byron's closest friends. This isn't entirely too close to home. This IS home.
As the day has gone on and minimal details have unraveled I think we've all felt a sense of despair and wanting answers, wanting to know, how, what, WHY. The police, school officials, teachers, EMT's have done an amazing job today and I have huge amounts of respect for them. That being said, we don't know much about the shooter. He was a troubled teen attending an alternative school, known to have behavior issues. Dad was convicted of murder, parents were divorced, friends saying he "changed" in 8th grade. A loner... I've heard that repeated several times throughout the day. Speculations of a fight between the students shot and this boy over jilted lover and an ex-girlfried. Theories of a drug deal gone wrong. Accusations and fingers being pointed at the students shot for bullying and at the family for "not being there" for the shooter, T.J. In my opinon, it needs to stop. There may have been signs, there will likely be a motive that comes forward but it is not our job to judge or pre-determine it for officials.
That being said, my heart is just breaking for everyone involved. Keeping in theme with my Matthew West blogs "Family Tree" speaks volumes about this horrifying day for Chardon.
You didn't ask for this
Nobody ever would
Caught in the middle of this dysfunction
It's your sad reality
It's your messed up family tree
And all you're left with is all these questions
Are you gonna be like your father was and his father was?
Do you have to carry what they've handed down?
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your destiny
Yesterday does not define you
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you
I have a dream for you
It's better than where you've been
It's bigger than your imagination
You're gonna find real love
And you're gonna hold your kids
You'll change the course of generations
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your destiny
Yesterday does not define you
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you
Cause you're my child
You're my chosen
You are loved
You are loved
And I will restore
All that was broken
You are loved
You are loved
And just like the seasons change
Winter into spring
You're brining new life to your family tree now
Yes you are
You are
No, this will be your legacy
This will be your destiny
Yesterday did not define you
No, this will be your legacy
This will be your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you
And just like the seasons change
Winter into spring
You're brining new life to your family tree now
Every single person reading this. Every single person not reading this. The students. The families. T.J. This is YOUR story. Other people's mistakes and dysfunctions are not your identity. You are not a victim because of your genes. You do not have to fall into harmful and painful footsteps that your family has created before you. When tragedy likes this strikes everyone is left wondering "What more could I have done?" "How did I mess up so much that I didn't see this coming?" "Why did I not do something sooner?" I refuse to believe that this kid was born into violence or murder just because it's how his father was. I don't believe that his true identity is one of bully-driven hatred and anger. He is not the shadow of an alleged murderer or the creation of bullies. He is T.J. And he has his own identity. Let's not try to assign him one just because we need answers.
Everyone please take in the lyrics of this song and TRUST them. If you are down, depressed, angry, full of revenge or hatred. Those feelings are not your identity. They aren't what has to define you. No one on this earth may have the power to reverse things you've experienced or seen... and no one may have the right words or a magic wand to make the hurt and anger go away. But there is never, ever an excuse to allow yourself to go over the edge. EVERYONE has people who love them... and even when it seems the world walks out you have a loving God who is always, always there loving you through every trial and tribulation. You don't have to be alone and you don't have to pre-destined to desperation.
Please keep the victims, the families, the community and especially the family and friends of T.J. and T.J. himself in your prayers. Let's love them through this and not let our shock, sadness and even anger fuel the fire and drama.
“I choose gentleness… Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice may it be only in praise. If I clench my fist, may it be only in prayer. If I make a demand, may it be only of myself. ”
— Max Lucado
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
My Own Little World
After a six month hiatus I'm back to the blogging world. I'm excited about this blog. At first, I was going to say I'm going to wait on the Matthew West blogging idea altogether. Then I realized how very perfect his song "My Own Little World" coincides with the blog I was intending. So here it goes.
It's no secret anymore (and perhaps never was) the amount of chaos that surrounds my life. Something is always amiss, going wrong, someone's hurt, something's lost, etc. Many times I've had no choice but to make everything in life about me. Through the past several years I've realized some of my drama queen tendencies in overreacting to situations, and trust me... I've worked hard to reverse that role! However, there are things like family deaths, miscarriages and even completely torn off toe nails that you can't overreact to or possibly avoid. Each day has always been a survival fight.
Several months ago I had the awesome opportunity to travel with the ladies from my church to the Come to the Fire Conference in Grove City. The conference was titled "Entering His Rest" I went into the weekend with an open mind and heart. I had no idea what to expect. What happened is simple. I cleansed my heart and it was healed. Once I let go of everything "busy" and "chaotic" and utterly stressful in my life a new vision was opened up to me. When you clear out the baggage in your life you make room for other things to fill the space. And it's not about me. I felt a relief and release from the world's hold on MY life. In turn, I was filled with a deep-seeded anxiousness to serve and help others.
What if there's a bigger picture?
What if I've been missing out?
What if there's a greater purpose?
I could be living right now, outside my own little world.
That's where my struggle lies now. I want to cause positive change in other people's lives. I'm becoming more in tune to other people's trials and chaos instead of focusing on my own. The problem is... I'm not quite sure where to go with that. My heart is in the right place, but this is all so new to me. I don't know how I fit into THEIR picture.
I don't want to miss what matters.
I want to be reaching out.
Show me a greater purpose
I could be living right now.
1) Money - Financially Byron and I are doing better than we ever have, but we still don't have much extra to give away. It seems the majority of the problems I run into is financial crisis of other people or families. My heart breaks for this because I have been there. We have been so far in debt that the next paycheck doesn't even cover all of the overdrafted items and fees. We have not known where money for groceries or diapers would come from. It was desperation. With the help of one amazing woman, our crisis was reversed and we were able to get on track. With some serious devotion and sacrifices we have paid off $20,000 in debt in the past year. Save the applause. We never should have been there in the first place. But now I am aware and sensitive of those people struggling to make ends meet. I can think of four friends very near and dear to me that currently are and have been having serious financial difficulties. I hear their heartache and I know that pain oh so personally. My heart breaks as I realize I cannot take their financial difficulties away. Then I go more global and think about local charities, homeless people I see on the side of the freeway, world hunger... does it ever stop? We sponsor two children through World Vision and Food for the Hungry. While I am proud to give that money each month I also have a very raw anger that I can't do more for the other millions of starving kids, local homeless shelters, friends about to declare bankruptcy.....
2) Time - Who in America has extra time? Seems as if I don't. Byron just came in a whirlwind of two weeks. I have two dogs and an almost 5 year old I'm keeping up with. The house, cleaning, cooking, bills, car, work, laundry, etc. You all know the picture I'm painting. We're in a society that only knows the meaning of "go". I wish I could run down to Hope House and volunteer for a regular position to help them. I've always wanted to join a Habitat for Humanity team. I have a heart longing to go on a missions trip. I don't know where to find the time.
3) Prayer - When you can't devote your time, energies or money to a worthy cause where is the first place Christians generally turn to? Prayer. Prayer becomes life's bandage and a way to feel less guilty about not doing it all. We pray when things get tough for us or other people. We pray for other people's friends and family and struggles. We pray for healing and divine intervention. I have never been a strong prayer. I am guilty of the "help me" prayers. I believe in the power of prayer and I have seen firsthand (and believe in my soul) the way it changes lives. But I don't do it enough. Guilty. Very. I have a fear of praying out loud. I have a guilt every time I pray that I don't do it enough. And I know that helping others only begins at prayer, but doesn't stop there. I still have to take action. I still have to find a way to help.
3) The Mental Game - Then I start to feel bad. I want to do everything for everyone. I have a million great ideas and have only acted on a handful of them. I start to mentally beat myself for everything I haven't done that I want to do. I have found that since I've had a more open heart I AM doing more to help others. But in return I get more and more burned out. The hardest thing I've had to accept is that when you do nice things for others it often goes without thanks, without appreciation and sometimes even with disrespect in return. It's opened my eyes to what pastors must go through on a constant basis always trying to help other people's problems, encourage them to live the correct way, guide them, teach them, etc. only to have it spit back in their face. My human nature starts to take over. I help a friend and they scoff for me not helping them the right way. I give money to a homeless person and see him walking out of a bar an hour later. I try to buy fair-trade products not from slavery and fail. I get depressed and angry. "Why are people not gracious?" "Why is this person throwing their life, relationship, money, _______.... away?" "Why do I live with such an EXCESS of stuff that over 100 people and children of other countries are working as my slave? The mental game will torture you and destroy you if you let it.
4) The Curse - I fall into old habits. I gossip. I envy. I am quick to anger. I'm stubborn. I procrastinate. And even though one man saved me from that and redeemed me, the fall of man is still heavy in every life. Romans 7. Just read it. Even though my heart is good and intentions are great I am still human. And I don't do things right all the time. I'm nowhere near perfect. I am a sinner.
Where does this all go other than driving a person crazy? The next lyrics are my prayer:
Father, break my heart for what breaks yours.
Give me open hands and open doors.
Put your light in my eyes and let me see
That my own little world is not about me.
Rinse and repeat. Over and over and over again. And don't quit. As long as your heart is that of Jesus you will never be led astray. And if you keep your heart open and willing the resources and time and energies and prayers for people in need will be supplied. And don't ever, ever forget that it's not about you or me. The world we live in intimately knows hurt, struggle and chaos. Break me, open me, enlighten me and then let me share it with those who need it.
It's no secret anymore (and perhaps never was) the amount of chaos that surrounds my life. Something is always amiss, going wrong, someone's hurt, something's lost, etc. Many times I've had no choice but to make everything in life about me. Through the past several years I've realized some of my drama queen tendencies in overreacting to situations, and trust me... I've worked hard to reverse that role! However, there are things like family deaths, miscarriages and even completely torn off toe nails that you can't overreact to or possibly avoid. Each day has always been a survival fight.
Several months ago I had the awesome opportunity to travel with the ladies from my church to the Come to the Fire Conference in Grove City. The conference was titled "Entering His Rest" I went into the weekend with an open mind and heart. I had no idea what to expect. What happened is simple. I cleansed my heart and it was healed. Once I let go of everything "busy" and "chaotic" and utterly stressful in my life a new vision was opened up to me. When you clear out the baggage in your life you make room for other things to fill the space. And it's not about me. I felt a relief and release from the world's hold on MY life. In turn, I was filled with a deep-seeded anxiousness to serve and help others.
What if there's a bigger picture?
What if I've been missing out?
What if there's a greater purpose?
I could be living right now, outside my own little world.
That's where my struggle lies now. I want to cause positive change in other people's lives. I'm becoming more in tune to other people's trials and chaos instead of focusing on my own. The problem is... I'm not quite sure where to go with that. My heart is in the right place, but this is all so new to me. I don't know how I fit into THEIR picture.
I don't want to miss what matters.
I want to be reaching out.
Show me a greater purpose
I could be living right now.
1) Money - Financially Byron and I are doing better than we ever have, but we still don't have much extra to give away. It seems the majority of the problems I run into is financial crisis of other people or families. My heart breaks for this because I have been there. We have been so far in debt that the next paycheck doesn't even cover all of the overdrafted items and fees. We have not known where money for groceries or diapers would come from. It was desperation. With the help of one amazing woman, our crisis was reversed and we were able to get on track. With some serious devotion and sacrifices we have paid off $20,000 in debt in the past year. Save the applause. We never should have been there in the first place. But now I am aware and sensitive of those people struggling to make ends meet. I can think of four friends very near and dear to me that currently are and have been having serious financial difficulties. I hear their heartache and I know that pain oh so personally. My heart breaks as I realize I cannot take their financial difficulties away. Then I go more global and think about local charities, homeless people I see on the side of the freeway, world hunger... does it ever stop? We sponsor two children through World Vision and Food for the Hungry. While I am proud to give that money each month I also have a very raw anger that I can't do more for the other millions of starving kids, local homeless shelters, friends about to declare bankruptcy.....
2) Time - Who in America has extra time? Seems as if I don't. Byron just came in a whirlwind of two weeks. I have two dogs and an almost 5 year old I'm keeping up with. The house, cleaning, cooking, bills, car, work, laundry, etc. You all know the picture I'm painting. We're in a society that only knows the meaning of "go". I wish I could run down to Hope House and volunteer for a regular position to help them. I've always wanted to join a Habitat for Humanity team. I have a heart longing to go on a missions trip. I don't know where to find the time.
3) Prayer - When you can't devote your time, energies or money to a worthy cause where is the first place Christians generally turn to? Prayer. Prayer becomes life's bandage and a way to feel less guilty about not doing it all. We pray when things get tough for us or other people. We pray for other people's friends and family and struggles. We pray for healing and divine intervention. I have never been a strong prayer. I am guilty of the "help me" prayers. I believe in the power of prayer and I have seen firsthand (and believe in my soul) the way it changes lives. But I don't do it enough. Guilty. Very. I have a fear of praying out loud. I have a guilt every time I pray that I don't do it enough. And I know that helping others only begins at prayer, but doesn't stop there. I still have to take action. I still have to find a way to help.
3) The Mental Game - Then I start to feel bad. I want to do everything for everyone. I have a million great ideas and have only acted on a handful of them. I start to mentally beat myself for everything I haven't done that I want to do. I have found that since I've had a more open heart I AM doing more to help others. But in return I get more and more burned out. The hardest thing I've had to accept is that when you do nice things for others it often goes without thanks, without appreciation and sometimes even with disrespect in return. It's opened my eyes to what pastors must go through on a constant basis always trying to help other people's problems, encourage them to live the correct way, guide them, teach them, etc. only to have it spit back in their face. My human nature starts to take over. I help a friend and they scoff for me not helping them the right way. I give money to a homeless person and see him walking out of a bar an hour later. I try to buy fair-trade products not from slavery and fail. I get depressed and angry. "Why are people not gracious?" "Why is this person throwing their life, relationship, money, _______.... away?" "Why do I live with such an EXCESS of stuff that over 100 people and children of other countries are working as my slave? The mental game will torture you and destroy you if you let it.
4) The Curse - I fall into old habits. I gossip. I envy. I am quick to anger. I'm stubborn. I procrastinate. And even though one man saved me from that and redeemed me, the fall of man is still heavy in every life. Romans 7. Just read it. Even though my heart is good and intentions are great I am still human. And I don't do things right all the time. I'm nowhere near perfect. I am a sinner.
Where does this all go other than driving a person crazy? The next lyrics are my prayer:
Father, break my heart for what breaks yours.
Give me open hands and open doors.
Put your light in my eyes and let me see
That my own little world is not about me.
Rinse and repeat. Over and over and over again. And don't quit. As long as your heart is that of Jesus you will never be led astray. And if you keep your heart open and willing the resources and time and energies and prayers for people in need will be supplied. And don't ever, ever forget that it's not about you or me. The world we live in intimately knows hurt, struggle and chaos. Break me, open me, enlighten me and then let me share it with those who need it.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Matthew West Blogging Tour: Story of Your Life
Are you ready for the story of your life? Okay, lame attempt at a joke to kick things off...
I've had a really hard time kicking this blog series off, hence the 4 day delay. I could never be a pastor and work under weekly pressure. I've been struggling with whether to keep the themes universal or individual. With much deliberation I've decided to keep them individually universal.
The Story of Your Life - for Matthew West's commentaries, the story behind the song and to listen go to http://www.matthewwest.com/stories/?id=1
"Is this the end? Or only the beginning?" And I was hooked. That's what this entire blogging site is about for me. Reclaiming freedom. New beginnings. Starting over. We all have dark pasts, hidden secrets, and "demons" seemingly haunting us at every turn, don't we? I reached a point last year where I simply gave up. The fight wasn't worth it because I was just getting too hurt, too angry, too confused.
"The question is will you do something with it? Or spend your days lost in your regret?"
If there was ever a line of lyrics that could feel like a punch in the gut that's it right there. My mind was clouded, my vision of the future clouded and I was seemingly blinded to the present. Why me? Why more? God, I can't handle this. You. Make. Me. So. Angry. The blame, the guilt, the raw and bitter fury I felt towards a God I knew to be so loving and only felt to be so unfair and unjust. It was a downward spiral that emptied into an infinitely bottomless pit. Not a fun mental picture, is it?
"Breathe in deep. Feel your heart start beating. Let's go see the reason you're alive."
Life is a journey. And I needed this reminder to keep breathing, realize I AM and WAS alive. And as if I took that invisible hand, I began the process of painstakingly rereading my own story. You see, that infinitely bottomless pit is bottomless for a reason. We can feel like we keep falling, that we've reached the bottom or that things couldn't get any worse. My vision was obscured and I was in complete denial that a loving God could let me fall so low. The truth is that, in fact, that same loving God loves me so much and is so full of grace and mercies that he kept that pit from having a bottom, He kept me above water when I felt like I was drowning. Even through my own obstinate anger and frustrations the Holy Spirit had strong arms wrapped around me and carried me through all of the tribulations I was experiencing. That in itself is amazing and its own story to be told. But just as the first and last lyrics of the song ask.... it's not the end.
"This is the story of your life. You decide how the rest is gonna be."
We are each writing our own story. God doesn't just jump in as the cure-all, mend-all at our beck and call. He gave us beautiful minds to make decisions for a reason. Our stories here on Earth don't end when we feel like life is crashing down. We have ups and downs, good times and bad. Each chapter, each moment of rejoicing and period of darkness creates a story that is uniquely our own. The most beautiful part is we are our own authors. Are we going to let that negative past declare our future to be one of the same sorrow? We have extraordinarily powerful minds that can take all of our past turmoil and triumphs and turn them into an intricately woven story worth reading over and over again, full of bountiful life lessons we can learn from and be an example to others. Are you going to let yours be a tragedy or one with a fairy-tale happily ever after? The choice is yours. I know where mine is headed and I'm excited to keep writing.
"This is the story of your life and it's a story worth telling."
I've had a really hard time kicking this blog series off, hence the 4 day delay. I could never be a pastor and work under weekly pressure. I've been struggling with whether to keep the themes universal or individual. With much deliberation I've decided to keep them individually universal.
The Story of Your Life - for Matthew West's commentaries, the story behind the song and to listen go to http://www.matthewwest.com/stories/?id=1
"Is this the end? Or only the beginning?" And I was hooked. That's what this entire blogging site is about for me. Reclaiming freedom. New beginnings. Starting over. We all have dark pasts, hidden secrets, and "demons" seemingly haunting us at every turn, don't we? I reached a point last year where I simply gave up. The fight wasn't worth it because I was just getting too hurt, too angry, too confused.
"The question is will you do something with it? Or spend your days lost in your regret?"
If there was ever a line of lyrics that could feel like a punch in the gut that's it right there. My mind was clouded, my vision of the future clouded and I was seemingly blinded to the present. Why me? Why more? God, I can't handle this. You. Make. Me. So. Angry. The blame, the guilt, the raw and bitter fury I felt towards a God I knew to be so loving and only felt to be so unfair and unjust. It was a downward spiral that emptied into an infinitely bottomless pit. Not a fun mental picture, is it?
"Breathe in deep. Feel your heart start beating. Let's go see the reason you're alive."
Life is a journey. And I needed this reminder to keep breathing, realize I AM and WAS alive. And as if I took that invisible hand, I began the process of painstakingly rereading my own story. You see, that infinitely bottomless pit is bottomless for a reason. We can feel like we keep falling, that we've reached the bottom or that things couldn't get any worse. My vision was obscured and I was in complete denial that a loving God could let me fall so low. The truth is that, in fact, that same loving God loves me so much and is so full of grace and mercies that he kept that pit from having a bottom, He kept me above water when I felt like I was drowning. Even through my own obstinate anger and frustrations the Holy Spirit had strong arms wrapped around me and carried me through all of the tribulations I was experiencing. That in itself is amazing and its own story to be told. But just as the first and last lyrics of the song ask.... it's not the end.
"This is the story of your life. You decide how the rest is gonna be."
We are each writing our own story. God doesn't just jump in as the cure-all, mend-all at our beck and call. He gave us beautiful minds to make decisions for a reason. Our stories here on Earth don't end when we feel like life is crashing down. We have ups and downs, good times and bad. Each chapter, each moment of rejoicing and period of darkness creates a story that is uniquely our own. The most beautiful part is we are our own authors. Are we going to let that negative past declare our future to be one of the same sorrow? We have extraordinarily powerful minds that can take all of our past turmoil and triumphs and turn them into an intricately woven story worth reading over and over again, full of bountiful life lessons we can learn from and be an example to others. Are you going to let yours be a tragedy or one with a fairy-tale happily ever after? The choice is yours. I know where mine is headed and I'm excited to keep writing.
"This is the story of your life and it's a story worth telling."
Monday, July 11, 2011
The Matthew West Blogging Tour
While life has been crazy busy in the past few weeks it has remained relatively drama free since the toe mishap. The "calm" and many hours in the car has given me plenty of time to reflect on the past several years. The weekend before last I was blessed to have a few days to spend with one of my most cherished friends, Jen. Jen and I originally met through the Mark Schultz message boards way back in 2004. A concert in Bluffton with Matthew West, Mark Schultz and Avalon was the beginning of a great friendship we've been able to expand upon ever since. I was starstruck at the time of the concert and when I had the chance to meet Mark Schultz face-to-face after the concert I walked right by Matthew West's outstretched hand to me and stumbled googly-eyed towards Mark instead. I could kick myself now. My partiality towards Mark's music and all that was associated it pretty much blinded me at the time to the wonders of Matthew West's music. Still kicking myself.
Two summers ago I got to travel with some friends to Illinois where we attended a Christian Music Festival featuring Mark Schultz, Matthew West and the groups Mel endearingly termed "Satan music" It was then that I saw Matthew West for the artist, performer and man that he is. And it was then that Ijokingly started referring to him as my future husband. Okay, really joking... honest. But the man has the entire package and I am just constantly in awe of him.
Last year I was in the eye of the storm with mine and Byron's separation when I started following that Matthew was writing an entire album based off of stories his Facebook and Twitter fans had submitted. He had asked that everyone submit a story of their life.... good, bad, ugly, the inbetween... He spent several weekends in a cabin reading and analyzing those stories and wrote his entire album based off of them. Oh, I was excited to be sure. But nothing could have ever braced me for the reality, truth and healing powers behind this album. No music has ever touched me before as his has in this album. I was moved to tears and goosebumps upon first hearing it and I can honestly say that hasn't stopped with each subsequent "Matthew West Therapy Session". The album is genius, the lyrics are incredible and the voice behind it all is so moving that I can't help but blog about it now.
Anyway, it really struck me while I was driving down to Columbus for the weekend with Jen and the concert how much I wanted and needed to share the impact this album has had on my life. It has such raw universal truths and messages woven throughout it that I don't think there's a single breathing person out there who can't be affected by it in some way. And it's for that reason I've chosen to actually start a blog series for the first time ever based on each song in the album. I've never pre-meditated more than one blog at a time. All of my blogging comes from the heart and if it feels forced I get a mental block and find myself unable to write. But as I listened to each song and the things I could write about my mind was just reeling with blogging possibilities. I'm really excited about it all and can't wait to share with you all. His stories truly resonate within the very core of my soul and have given me deliverance and freedom I've so desperately needed.
Next blog... Story of My Life :) Stay tuned...
Two summers ago I got to travel with some friends to Illinois where we attended a Christian Music Festival featuring Mark Schultz, Matthew West and the groups Mel endearingly termed "Satan music" It was then that I saw Matthew West for the artist, performer and man that he is. And it was then that I
Last year I was in the eye of the storm with mine and Byron's separation when I started following that Matthew was writing an entire album based off of stories his Facebook and Twitter fans had submitted. He had asked that everyone submit a story of their life.... good, bad, ugly, the inbetween... He spent several weekends in a cabin reading and analyzing those stories and wrote his entire album based off of them. Oh, I was excited to be sure. But nothing could have ever braced me for the reality, truth and healing powers behind this album. No music has ever touched me before as his has in this album. I was moved to tears and goosebumps upon first hearing it and I can honestly say that hasn't stopped with each subsequent "Matthew West Therapy Session". The album is genius, the lyrics are incredible and the voice behind it all is so moving that I can't help but blog about it now.
Anyway, it really struck me while I was driving down to Columbus for the weekend with Jen and the concert how much I wanted and needed to share the impact this album has had on my life. It has such raw universal truths and messages woven throughout it that I don't think there's a single breathing person out there who can't be affected by it in some way. And it's for that reason I've chosen to actually start a blog series for the first time ever based on each song in the album. I've never pre-meditated more than one blog at a time. All of my blogging comes from the heart and if it feels forced I get a mental block and find myself unable to write. But as I listened to each song and the things I could write about my mind was just reeling with blogging possibilities. I'm really excited about it all and can't wait to share with you all. His stories truly resonate within the very core of my soul and have given me deliverance and freedom I've so desperately needed.
Next blog... Story of My Life :) Stay tuned...
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Creating new images
I've recently been reading back over my years of old blogs. One painstaking realization I've had to make is how much I've complained in the past. Perhaps because my blogs were a safe haven it's the one place I felt like I could open up. But it's also been this sickness, this injury, this person making me feel horrible for this reason, this life circumstance getting me down. Now it goes without saying that my life is constantly in its own special ebb and flow of natural chaos. I'm not sure why I've always felt such a need to vent through my blog to any readers why I've been unfortunate, the details of my chaos, the reasons for my misery, etc. Maybe there is healing in typing my own words. More likely I've always had an over need of obtaining sympathy as a means of acceptance. It's been a chronic attention-getting behavior when I'm feeling lonely, misplaced, or unloved (and with my husband and best friend chronically thousands of miles away those feelings surface themslves more often than not). Trust me, that's a hard realization to open up my mind to and post for any readers to peruse over. I've really realized this fault of mine over the past 6 months or so. It's a habit hard to break honestly. I catch myself all the time going to post a status about my misfortunes, or ready to post sarcastic remarks to every person or situation which upsets or angers me. Looking back at my Xanga and Deadjournal blogs my biggest mistake was not holding back, not caring how I made people feel. In my own mind my feelings were completely validated or people needed to hear how sick or unlucky I'd been.
I have been blessed with an amazing husband who has more patience than any other man I've ever met. He has tolerated me through my worst and loved me through each complaint, each freak-out, each illness and accident. He supported me all 42 times I swore I was going into labor, has worried with me each time we've dealt with an illness or injury, and has been full of encouragement every single time I get down on myself or feel overcome with worry, doubt and loneliness. He has been such a Godly example of compassion and patience to me and is definitely the reason I have kept myself held together at times.
I think it's hard for many people to understand me and the chaos that trails closely behind. And I think too many people look at me and see me as a victim of my own circumstances or a bringer of my own misfortune. They see me and want to know what bad news I have to bring "this time". Even as I walked into my doctor's office this week he laughed and said "Trisha, Trisha what have you done to yourself this time?" And I think that's become too common of a reaction... people see me and just think of the mess I bring. I don't want to be that person. So, the past 6 months has been an evaluation of sorts in working on myself and how I react to situations. It's true I seem to have a certain streak of bad luck and my own clumsiness is oftentimes the bringer of unforseen accidents. But I don't want to live as if that's my identity. I feel that's the persona I've created for myself over the past 10 years. It's a hard profile to break out of when it's been so meticulously built up. It's also a comfort blanket to fall back on when things start to get tough.
When Byron and I separated I lost that support in him that enabled my feelings. He constantly builds me up and while that is an amazing quality in him it also allowed me to continue in those same patterns. It has taken a lot of prayer, meditation and will to begin breaking through my own shell to figure out why there's so much chaos and how I can react differently to it in the future.
What I've been learning more and more lately is that one of the biggest and most important things I can do to change my own image of myself and the image others have of me is to practice more discernment. It means me biting my lip when people offend me, it means sucking up my pride when I'm feeling down and lonely and as if people don't care. It's about me making better choices all around in life. I suppose I've been a "binge drinker" for a long time in life oftentimes broadcasting things, blogging about things, posting about things, getting angry about things, talking about people when they make me mad (etc. etc. we could all go on couldn't we?) - doing all of these things at the drop of a hat with little regard to how it will affect myself and others in the future because it makes me feel better temporarily.
It's time that I start building myself up to the person that I know and those who are close to me know that I am. I want people to look at me and see compassion, strength, humor and integrity; not a weak person always sick, prone to accidents and falling apart at the seams. And the key person who needs to see those positive traits is myself; for people are only going to see on the surface the same person and image that I've created of myself and believe myself to be.
It's time I move beyond these three pictures:
I have been blessed with an amazing husband who has more patience than any other man I've ever met. He has tolerated me through my worst and loved me through each complaint, each freak-out, each illness and accident. He supported me all 42 times I swore I was going into labor, has worried with me each time we've dealt with an illness or injury, and has been full of encouragement every single time I get down on myself or feel overcome with worry, doubt and loneliness. He has been such a Godly example of compassion and patience to me and is definitely the reason I have kept myself held together at times.
I think it's hard for many people to understand me and the chaos that trails closely behind. And I think too many people look at me and see me as a victim of my own circumstances or a bringer of my own misfortune. They see me and want to know what bad news I have to bring "this time". Even as I walked into my doctor's office this week he laughed and said "Trisha, Trisha what have you done to yourself this time?" And I think that's become too common of a reaction... people see me and just think of the mess I bring. I don't want to be that person. So, the past 6 months has been an evaluation of sorts in working on myself and how I react to situations. It's true I seem to have a certain streak of bad luck and my own clumsiness is oftentimes the bringer of unforseen accidents. But I don't want to live as if that's my identity. I feel that's the persona I've created for myself over the past 10 years. It's a hard profile to break out of when it's been so meticulously built up. It's also a comfort blanket to fall back on when things start to get tough.
When Byron and I separated I lost that support in him that enabled my feelings. He constantly builds me up and while that is an amazing quality in him it also allowed me to continue in those same patterns. It has taken a lot of prayer, meditation and will to begin breaking through my own shell to figure out why there's so much chaos and how I can react differently to it in the future.
What I've been learning more and more lately is that one of the biggest and most important things I can do to change my own image of myself and the image others have of me is to practice more discernment. It means me biting my lip when people offend me, it means sucking up my pride when I'm feeling down and lonely and as if people don't care. It's about me making better choices all around in life. I suppose I've been a "binge drinker" for a long time in life oftentimes broadcasting things, blogging about things, posting about things, getting angry about things, talking about people when they make me mad (etc. etc. we could all go on couldn't we?) - doing all of these things at the drop of a hat with little regard to how it will affect myself and others in the future because it makes me feel better temporarily.
It's time that I start building myself up to the person that I know and those who are close to me know that I am. I want people to look at me and see compassion, strength, humor and integrity; not a weak person always sick, prone to accidents and falling apart at the seams. And the key person who needs to see those positive traits is myself; for people are only going to see on the surface the same person and image that I've created of myself and believe myself to be.
It's time I move beyond these three pictures:
And return to and let people see the real person in these pictures....
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