On the verge of...

I have a really hard time settling chaos in my life.  It follows me.  It's attracted to me and perhaps myself to it.  And I don't know how to tame it.  This week it's spider bites, sickness, doctor's appointments, spilled trash, crazy emotions... wait, did I say spilled trash???

Back it up.  Last night I went to bed really peacefully.  I've been bad and letting Madison sleep with me since Byron's been gone again.  She was having a hard time going to bed and I'll be honest, I was too.  It's just natural, the two of us, to sleep together when Daddy's gone.  I've been going to bed way too late myself and not getting enough sleep.  I went to bed at a reasonable 11pm last night but could not force myself into slumber.  Instead I watched Madison snoring softly beside  me, her body wrapped up against me and her face nestled in the crook of my arm.  I just simply adored her beautiful face and how peaceful she was in her sleep.  I am so blessed by her.  Is it silly to say that a four year old is one of my best friends?  We're inseparable.  I can count on both hands how many nights I've spent away from her since she's been born.  Why is it so easy to see how precious she is when she's asleep and so hard to remember that during the waking hours?  Because she's 4.

I found myself in a funk today that progressed throughout the day.  Bogged down by chores to catch up on at the house, hours to make sure I'm getting in for work, my schedule for the week, etc.  Remembering commitments I've made to people over the next week and stressing about whether I've double booked myself or not.  I figured it would all calm itself at life group as it normally does.  We enjoyed the cake for little P's 1st birthday.  But as we "settled in" for the lesson I felt the funk coming on more.  We are doing a study on building stronger marriages which is an EXCELLENT thing for Byron and I.  But it was dredging up memories and fears.  Sparking the fear of deployment and the separation that we are facing.  Starting a brand new relationship again but not able to spend it together.  Add in the chaos of the kids tonight.... little P getting fussy after a pound of sugar, Madison and Peyton fighting and crying and not wanting to share, just the buzz of it all and I felt myself building on the verge of a breakdown.  Madison didn't listen when I told her to do something so when I yelled at her she started crying.... loudly... and I had to walk away.  I got our stuff together hastily, shouted a goodbye I'm not sure more than 1 or 2 people actually heard and rushed out of there before I started crying.

And I breathed. 

I told myself I wouldn't let the spiral take control.  I had the rest of the evening and I didn't have to do anything but relax.  Madison always falls asleep on the way home from life group, I'm caught up on work and I was looking forward to just sitting back and taking in the evening.  Wrong again.  We got home, I got the garbage out, took care of a few odds and ends and had JUST sat down.  CRASHHHHHHHH!!!! And then a cry.  Not the cry of whining, tired 4 year old but that of a scared or hurt 4 year old.  I rushed to the crime scene kitchen to find the entire trash can and its contents all over the ground and Madison.  The dogs have a bad habit of getting into the trash when I'm not at home so I put it up.  It was full today... we don't have a garbage disposal... so it has the last 3 or so days of remnants.... corn, ranch dressing, hot dog bits, coffee grounds, pudding, ketchup... well you get the picture.  Madison had gotten upset when I told her there were no fruit snacks left and I had thrown the box away.  She had taken it into her own hands to climb on top of the table to take a look for herself.  Only her plan went awry when she tried putting the chair up there too toppling into the garbage can and then both of them from the table to the ground.  This was no small mess.  Madison (freshly bathed several hours prior) now had her hair matted down with unidentifiable mush and coffee grounds, sour cream down her arms, wrappers sticking to her now slime covered body.  My favorite and only pair of black dress shoes now covered in and filled with sludge. The dogs were digging into the trash, some liquid was riveting across the floor and I'm pretty sure I could hear the army of ants planning their assault attack.  Madison had hurt her elbow, was crying and wanting to be picked up and I didn't know where to start. 

And the tears came.

We got through it of course.  Madison got in the bathtub after a major freak out that 3 ants were crawling along the edge.  I shoved the dogs outside and started the nasty task of cleanup in the kitchen.  Vacuum dry particles, wet cloth and cleaner to the mush.  As I cleaned I noticed the giant furballs wafting around under the table, saw the spider webs forming in the corner, the sock that's been sitting in the corner for several days.... all stuff that's been on my list to get done for the past week. 

Completely overwhelmed. 

So where's the analogy in all of this?  I can make analogies out of almost anything in life but not this time.  Just raw emotion wrapped up in the trash and chaos.  That's life.  We can dwell on it or we can overcome it.  It's not going to settle down just because we want it to.  I wish I had something more insightful or profound but tonight it's just life.  And tomorrow's a new beginning.  As much as she might be fighting it and not liking it Madison will fall asleep.  And that angelic look I found comfort in last night will return.  And we try again tomorrow.

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
   for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
   for to you I entrust my life. " Psalm 143:8

Chaos

What a crazy, hectic, chaotic week .... pandemonium.  Is that enough words for "this week was a hot mess?"  And now that I have a chance to sit down I'm at a loss of where to start.  In fact, I've started and restarted a different sentence about 5 different times :)

Byron left Sunday.  We spent a wonderful two weeks together where we were further able to re-establish our relationship and devotion for one another.  My time with him is truly a gift.  This visit really opened my eyes to a lot of things but that's definitely for another night's blog.  Anyway, there's a little unspoken thing amongst Army wives that we all know to brace ourselves once the guys leave for anything because that's when chaos breaks out (flooded houses, emergency room trips, accidentally grooming the tip of the dog's private part off.... <--- yes, that really happened) And although no major crisis happened this week it was just long, frustrating and extremely tiring.  Internet went out, house was invaded with ants, basement is flooding, Madison had a cold, I had to put 40 hours of work in over 3 and a half days, electricity at the house went a little haywire, freezer went out (but came back on?), etc etc. Last night I got Danielle because she's had a tough week and I thought she could use some time away.  I also puppysat for Lynn's 3 dogs making a total of 6 at my house for several days.  Tonight, Danielle has a friend over. We got back from her soccer game, cleaned up some stuff, fixed the girls some hot chocolate and popcorn, bathed Madison, washed some laundry, cleaned some dishes, fed the dogs, got the girls set up for the night... and I'm spent.  So outside of the fact that I simply need to vent, where am I getting with all of this?

One major realization I've made recently is that I need to be more open and willing to ask for and receive help.  Madison was the teacher of this lesson.  As any symbiotic relationship goes, the more chaotic my life and routine became this week the more chaotic Madison's attitude and temper became as well.  I wasn't able to spend much time with her and she was going crazy at the house finding new and inventive ways to keep herself occupied.  This week, more than ever, I've noticed a great independence with her.  Alyssa, my cousin, made a comment last week about how much Madison plays by herself.  I noticed when I had her at the daycare in the grocery store that she was playing by herself the entire time. And all this week I can't tell you how many times I heard her exclaim "I can do it MYSELF, mommy! I don't need your help!"

The moment that sticks in my mind the most is when she was trying to button a pair of jeans she had put on.  She just couldn't do it.  Her little thumbs weren't quite strong enough, she was bending over making it tighter to snap the button and she had all of the patience any four year has (which is next to none) I watched as she threw herself to the ground over and over again, putting her little face in her hands, screaming, stomping, crying.  But she wouldn't give up.  From a distance I asked her several times if I could help her or just show her how to do it and let her try.  She vehemently told me "NO! I SAID I CAN DO IT MYSELF!" 

Does this sound familiar to anyone's life? Maybe not with your little ones but with yourselves.  It rings true to me.  I try to take everything into my own hands, desperately try to maintain control .... but oftentimes it backfires on me as well.  I might not stomp and scream and throw a tantrum on the outside but what about the inside?   No, God, no I don't need your help.... I've got this handled just fine on my own.  Uh huh, right.  Just as it's so easy for a parent to sit back and watch their children fumble and falter, get frustrated over tasks they haven't mastered or can't perform quite yet... how much more does God sit back and watch us fumble and falter over our own lives?  That's rhetorical :) A lot more places I could go with that but my eyelids are droopy and my body is giving way to slumber.

By the way, Madison never did get her jeans buttoned on her own.  She slumped over on a step and put her head in her hands and started to cry.  When I went over to her to comfort her and reassure her she tried pushing me away.  Gentle words and a little back rubbing and she allowed me to show her the "trick"  I made her lay on her back with her tummy sucked in.  I showed her how to hold the snap.  I showed her where to snap it and unknown to her I "helped" apply enough pressure to make it snap.  She was elated and through her arms around me into a giant hug.  One day she'll thank me for that trick. 

This all being said, I need help to get through this deployment.  I need lots of help.  And I need you all to be doing it.  Here are the ways which everyone can help:

1) Encouragement and staying in touch - just simply letting me know you're thinking of me or Madison or Byron.  I am not great at staying in touch with people.  In fact, sometimes I'm just plain horrible at communication.  But don't let that stop you.  I need all my friends and family!

2) Supporting Byron in any way possible.  Facebook messages and posts, emails, real letters (I can't emphasize enough how much something like that means), care packages, etc.  I will be starting updates once he's in Afghanistan and will probably come up with projects and stuff people can participate in along the way.

3) Keeping me company.  Showing up at the house to hang out.  Going out for coffee.  Having lunch or dinner together.  The more I'm alone the harder the deployment becomes.  I need help with Madison all the time.  She needs friends.  I need friends.  Basically, we need company!

4) Projects around the house.  Currently, I have several I'd like to get started.  One is finding someone to help me in making curtains for around the house.  I'd like to pick up fabric and sew simple curtains in the rooms.  Right now the front room is a huge wide open window with any covering at all.  I don't have a sewing machine so I will have to buy drapes and curtains if I can't use someone's.  A second project is a garden.  I love to garden.  Madison and I are both excited about getting a garden in this spring.  But it's going to take a lot of planning and work.  We have to find the right spot, get seedlings started, plan out where things will go, go through the work of getting the garden prepped, etc.  It's something I'd love to have help with.  And a third project is having help for around the yard.  Picking up sticks, sprucing up the outside, planting flowers when it's warmer, pulling weeds, etc. 

Anyway I'm REALLY falling asleep now.  I'll end with a photo - the closest I have to showing the chaos of the week!

Forgive, forget and put your tooth under your pillow

I've determined today that there is no pain in this world greater than the pain you see through the eyes of your children.  I have never felt as helpless or torn as I did having to watch my little girl suffer through a tooth extraction this afternoon.  The look of terror-stricken panic on her face, jaw locked open, noisy instruments all around and her eyes pleading with me for answers.  Why, Mommy?  Why are you letting me get hurt like this?

And there's the lesson.  How many times in life have we all done and said the same exact thing? Why? Why do we have to go through this pain?  Why do we have to suffer?  Why are you allowing this, Father God, why???

We knew what was going to happen before ever stepping into that dentist's office today.  I had explained to Madison that her "ouchie" tooth would probably come out.  And it was probably going to hurt some.  But if she didn't get it pulled it was going to hurt her even more by staying in her mouth and hurt even more in the long run.  A difficult concept to illustrate clearly to a 4 year old.  But how beautiful of an illustration is this? A rotted and broken tooth causing daily pain being extracted, painful as it is, in order to clear away the infection, the filth, the decay to make way for a healthy, permanant tooth to fill the void.  Do you see the connection yet? 

We are all like Madison in that dentist's chair today.  Sometimes overcome by fear.  The pain and confusion so great it outweighs rationale.  It's impossible to remember our conversations in days prior and all of the logical explanations of how this visit was going to go.  It was just pain she was feeling and couldn't see past that despite what she knew to be true. 

But do you know how Madison differs?  She got over it.  As soon as the worst of the pain subsided and they got her all gauzed up those little arms of hers wrapped themselves around my neck as giant crocodile tears slid down her cheeks and onto my shoulders.  She wasn't blaming me.  No.  She was resting in the comfort of what she knew and trusted to be safe.

What impacted me greater than anything else was as we were driving away and her eyes were filling with tears again.  I asked if she was in pain and she told me no.  Instead, she said just barely above a whisper "Mommy, I really like crunchy tacos and now I can never chew them again."  My poor baby girl.  She somehow got the idea that because her tooth was pulled and they said to eat soft foods for the day that she would have to eat nothing but banana mush, pudding and jello for the rest of her life.  And boy does this girl like crunchy tacos.  My heart broke for her.  I explained that a new tooth would grow back in in a few years and that it just needed to heal for a day or two then she could eat anything she wants again.  The look of relief flooding her face was priceless.

Do you know the rest of the day I didn't hear a single complaint from her?  The novacain wore off and she was concerned about the tingling feeling.  And when she told me it was hurting just a little some Tylenol seemed to quickly do the trick and put her right back in her element again. 

We had spent the entire afternoon at the dentist and then the late afternoon at my mom's as she "needed" to see Bramma and Papa to tell them about her tooth (and Mommy needed a breather between the dentist and home)  I was now 4 hours behind for work and knew I had a list a mile long to work on when we got home.  But all Madison wanted to do was snuggle.  So, I put everything aside for the night.  Work can be caught up on tomorrow, dishwasher can be unloaded later and lists can be checked off another time.  My little trooper needed snuggles with her mommy.  After a big bowl of spaghettios, some vanilla pudding and a mild (for Madison) hyper spurt, she stripped down (how Madison is most comfortable) grabbed a blanket and within 20 minutes was lightly snoring against my chest, her tooth "chest" clenched in her little fist.  After sufficient baby snuggles I carried her to bed where she woke up just long enough to make sure her tooth was safely tucked under her pillow for the tooth fairy.  And with a slight smile she drifted back off to sleep.

We don't always know the whole story.  We don't understand the pain and emotions we have to go through.  All we have to know is that it's necessary.  We have to clear away the rot of our own lives and allow ourselves to heal where something new, better, healthier can grow in it's place.  It might be nearly impossible to see through the initial pain.  It might not feel worth it while we're experiencing it.  And the aftermath can be nasty.  But the end result is beautiful.  We can't hold onto the pain and suffering or we'll only prolong our own healing.  And remember to put your tooth under your pillow.  There will be rewards in the morning.