On the verge of...

I have a really hard time settling chaos in my life.  It follows me.  It's attracted to me and perhaps myself to it.  And I don't know how to tame it.  This week it's spider bites, sickness, doctor's appointments, spilled trash, crazy emotions... wait, did I say spilled trash???

Back it up.  Last night I went to bed really peacefully.  I've been bad and letting Madison sleep with me since Byron's been gone again.  She was having a hard time going to bed and I'll be honest, I was too.  It's just natural, the two of us, to sleep together when Daddy's gone.  I've been going to bed way too late myself and not getting enough sleep.  I went to bed at a reasonable 11pm last night but could not force myself into slumber.  Instead I watched Madison snoring softly beside  me, her body wrapped up against me and her face nestled in the crook of my arm.  I just simply adored her beautiful face and how peaceful she was in her sleep.  I am so blessed by her.  Is it silly to say that a four year old is one of my best friends?  We're inseparable.  I can count on both hands how many nights I've spent away from her since she's been born.  Why is it so easy to see how precious she is when she's asleep and so hard to remember that during the waking hours?  Because she's 4.

I found myself in a funk today that progressed throughout the day.  Bogged down by chores to catch up on at the house, hours to make sure I'm getting in for work, my schedule for the week, etc.  Remembering commitments I've made to people over the next week and stressing about whether I've double booked myself or not.  I figured it would all calm itself at life group as it normally does.  We enjoyed the cake for little P's 1st birthday.  But as we "settled in" for the lesson I felt the funk coming on more.  We are doing a study on building stronger marriages which is an EXCELLENT thing for Byron and I.  But it was dredging up memories and fears.  Sparking the fear of deployment and the separation that we are facing.  Starting a brand new relationship again but not able to spend it together.  Add in the chaos of the kids tonight.... little P getting fussy after a pound of sugar, Madison and Peyton fighting and crying and not wanting to share, just the buzz of it all and I felt myself building on the verge of a breakdown.  Madison didn't listen when I told her to do something so when I yelled at her she started crying.... loudly... and I had to walk away.  I got our stuff together hastily, shouted a goodbye I'm not sure more than 1 or 2 people actually heard and rushed out of there before I started crying.

And I breathed. 

I told myself I wouldn't let the spiral take control.  I had the rest of the evening and I didn't have to do anything but relax.  Madison always falls asleep on the way home from life group, I'm caught up on work and I was looking forward to just sitting back and taking in the evening.  Wrong again.  We got home, I got the garbage out, took care of a few odds and ends and had JUST sat down.  CRASHHHHHHHH!!!! And then a cry.  Not the cry of whining, tired 4 year old but that of a scared or hurt 4 year old.  I rushed to the crime scene kitchen to find the entire trash can and its contents all over the ground and Madison.  The dogs have a bad habit of getting into the trash when I'm not at home so I put it up.  It was full today... we don't have a garbage disposal... so it has the last 3 or so days of remnants.... corn, ranch dressing, hot dog bits, coffee grounds, pudding, ketchup... well you get the picture.  Madison had gotten upset when I told her there were no fruit snacks left and I had thrown the box away.  She had taken it into her own hands to climb on top of the table to take a look for herself.  Only her plan went awry when she tried putting the chair up there too toppling into the garbage can and then both of them from the table to the ground.  This was no small mess.  Madison (freshly bathed several hours prior) now had her hair matted down with unidentifiable mush and coffee grounds, sour cream down her arms, wrappers sticking to her now slime covered body.  My favorite and only pair of black dress shoes now covered in and filled with sludge. The dogs were digging into the trash, some liquid was riveting across the floor and I'm pretty sure I could hear the army of ants planning their assault attack.  Madison had hurt her elbow, was crying and wanting to be picked up and I didn't know where to start. 

And the tears came.

We got through it of course.  Madison got in the bathtub after a major freak out that 3 ants were crawling along the edge.  I shoved the dogs outside and started the nasty task of cleanup in the kitchen.  Vacuum dry particles, wet cloth and cleaner to the mush.  As I cleaned I noticed the giant furballs wafting around under the table, saw the spider webs forming in the corner, the sock that's been sitting in the corner for several days.... all stuff that's been on my list to get done for the past week. 

Completely overwhelmed. 

So where's the analogy in all of this?  I can make analogies out of almost anything in life but not this time.  Just raw emotion wrapped up in the trash and chaos.  That's life.  We can dwell on it or we can overcome it.  It's not going to settle down just because we want it to.  I wish I had something more insightful or profound but tonight it's just life.  And tomorrow's a new beginning.  As much as she might be fighting it and not liking it Madison will fall asleep.  And that angelic look I found comfort in last night will return.  And we try again tomorrow.

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
   for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
   for to you I entrust my life. " Psalm 143:8

Chaos

What a crazy, hectic, chaotic week .... pandemonium.  Is that enough words for "this week was a hot mess?"  And now that I have a chance to sit down I'm at a loss of where to start.  In fact, I've started and restarted a different sentence about 5 different times :)

Byron left Sunday.  We spent a wonderful two weeks together where we were further able to re-establish our relationship and devotion for one another.  My time with him is truly a gift.  This visit really opened my eyes to a lot of things but that's definitely for another night's blog.  Anyway, there's a little unspoken thing amongst Army wives that we all know to brace ourselves once the guys leave for anything because that's when chaos breaks out (flooded houses, emergency room trips, accidentally grooming the tip of the dog's private part off.... <--- yes, that really happened) And although no major crisis happened this week it was just long, frustrating and extremely tiring.  Internet went out, house was invaded with ants, basement is flooding, Madison had a cold, I had to put 40 hours of work in over 3 and a half days, electricity at the house went a little haywire, freezer went out (but came back on?), etc etc. Last night I got Danielle because she's had a tough week and I thought she could use some time away.  I also puppysat for Lynn's 3 dogs making a total of 6 at my house for several days.  Tonight, Danielle has a friend over. We got back from her soccer game, cleaned up some stuff, fixed the girls some hot chocolate and popcorn, bathed Madison, washed some laundry, cleaned some dishes, fed the dogs, got the girls set up for the night... and I'm spent.  So outside of the fact that I simply need to vent, where am I getting with all of this?

One major realization I've made recently is that I need to be more open and willing to ask for and receive help.  Madison was the teacher of this lesson.  As any symbiotic relationship goes, the more chaotic my life and routine became this week the more chaotic Madison's attitude and temper became as well.  I wasn't able to spend much time with her and she was going crazy at the house finding new and inventive ways to keep herself occupied.  This week, more than ever, I've noticed a great independence with her.  Alyssa, my cousin, made a comment last week about how much Madison plays by herself.  I noticed when I had her at the daycare in the grocery store that she was playing by herself the entire time. And all this week I can't tell you how many times I heard her exclaim "I can do it MYSELF, mommy! I don't need your help!"

The moment that sticks in my mind the most is when she was trying to button a pair of jeans she had put on.  She just couldn't do it.  Her little thumbs weren't quite strong enough, she was bending over making it tighter to snap the button and she had all of the patience any four year has (which is next to none) I watched as she threw herself to the ground over and over again, putting her little face in her hands, screaming, stomping, crying.  But she wouldn't give up.  From a distance I asked her several times if I could help her or just show her how to do it and let her try.  She vehemently told me "NO! I SAID I CAN DO IT MYSELF!" 

Does this sound familiar to anyone's life? Maybe not with your little ones but with yourselves.  It rings true to me.  I try to take everything into my own hands, desperately try to maintain control .... but oftentimes it backfires on me as well.  I might not stomp and scream and throw a tantrum on the outside but what about the inside?   No, God, no I don't need your help.... I've got this handled just fine on my own.  Uh huh, right.  Just as it's so easy for a parent to sit back and watch their children fumble and falter, get frustrated over tasks they haven't mastered or can't perform quite yet... how much more does God sit back and watch us fumble and falter over our own lives?  That's rhetorical :) A lot more places I could go with that but my eyelids are droopy and my body is giving way to slumber.

By the way, Madison never did get her jeans buttoned on her own.  She slumped over on a step and put her head in her hands and started to cry.  When I went over to her to comfort her and reassure her she tried pushing me away.  Gentle words and a little back rubbing and she allowed me to show her the "trick"  I made her lay on her back with her tummy sucked in.  I showed her how to hold the snap.  I showed her where to snap it and unknown to her I "helped" apply enough pressure to make it snap.  She was elated and through her arms around me into a giant hug.  One day she'll thank me for that trick. 

This all being said, I need help to get through this deployment.  I need lots of help.  And I need you all to be doing it.  Here are the ways which everyone can help:

1) Encouragement and staying in touch - just simply letting me know you're thinking of me or Madison or Byron.  I am not great at staying in touch with people.  In fact, sometimes I'm just plain horrible at communication.  But don't let that stop you.  I need all my friends and family!

2) Supporting Byron in any way possible.  Facebook messages and posts, emails, real letters (I can't emphasize enough how much something like that means), care packages, etc.  I will be starting updates once he's in Afghanistan and will probably come up with projects and stuff people can participate in along the way.

3) Keeping me company.  Showing up at the house to hang out.  Going out for coffee.  Having lunch or dinner together.  The more I'm alone the harder the deployment becomes.  I need help with Madison all the time.  She needs friends.  I need friends.  Basically, we need company!

4) Projects around the house.  Currently, I have several I'd like to get started.  One is finding someone to help me in making curtains for around the house.  I'd like to pick up fabric and sew simple curtains in the rooms.  Right now the front room is a huge wide open window with any covering at all.  I don't have a sewing machine so I will have to buy drapes and curtains if I can't use someone's.  A second project is a garden.  I love to garden.  Madison and I are both excited about getting a garden in this spring.  But it's going to take a lot of planning and work.  We have to find the right spot, get seedlings started, plan out where things will go, go through the work of getting the garden prepped, etc.  It's something I'd love to have help with.  And a third project is having help for around the yard.  Picking up sticks, sprucing up the outside, planting flowers when it's warmer, pulling weeds, etc. 

Anyway I'm REALLY falling asleep now.  I'll end with a photo - the closest I have to showing the chaos of the week!

Forgive, forget and put your tooth under your pillow

I've determined today that there is no pain in this world greater than the pain you see through the eyes of your children.  I have never felt as helpless or torn as I did having to watch my little girl suffer through a tooth extraction this afternoon.  The look of terror-stricken panic on her face, jaw locked open, noisy instruments all around and her eyes pleading with me for answers.  Why, Mommy?  Why are you letting me get hurt like this?

And there's the lesson.  How many times in life have we all done and said the same exact thing? Why? Why do we have to go through this pain?  Why do we have to suffer?  Why are you allowing this, Father God, why???

We knew what was going to happen before ever stepping into that dentist's office today.  I had explained to Madison that her "ouchie" tooth would probably come out.  And it was probably going to hurt some.  But if she didn't get it pulled it was going to hurt her even more by staying in her mouth and hurt even more in the long run.  A difficult concept to illustrate clearly to a 4 year old.  But how beautiful of an illustration is this? A rotted and broken tooth causing daily pain being extracted, painful as it is, in order to clear away the infection, the filth, the decay to make way for a healthy, permanant tooth to fill the void.  Do you see the connection yet? 

We are all like Madison in that dentist's chair today.  Sometimes overcome by fear.  The pain and confusion so great it outweighs rationale.  It's impossible to remember our conversations in days prior and all of the logical explanations of how this visit was going to go.  It was just pain she was feeling and couldn't see past that despite what she knew to be true. 

But do you know how Madison differs?  She got over it.  As soon as the worst of the pain subsided and they got her all gauzed up those little arms of hers wrapped themselves around my neck as giant crocodile tears slid down her cheeks and onto my shoulders.  She wasn't blaming me.  No.  She was resting in the comfort of what she knew and trusted to be safe.

What impacted me greater than anything else was as we were driving away and her eyes were filling with tears again.  I asked if she was in pain and she told me no.  Instead, she said just barely above a whisper "Mommy, I really like crunchy tacos and now I can never chew them again."  My poor baby girl.  She somehow got the idea that because her tooth was pulled and they said to eat soft foods for the day that she would have to eat nothing but banana mush, pudding and jello for the rest of her life.  And boy does this girl like crunchy tacos.  My heart broke for her.  I explained that a new tooth would grow back in in a few years and that it just needed to heal for a day or two then she could eat anything she wants again.  The look of relief flooding her face was priceless.

Do you know the rest of the day I didn't hear a single complaint from her?  The novacain wore off and she was concerned about the tingling feeling.  And when she told me it was hurting just a little some Tylenol seemed to quickly do the trick and put her right back in her element again. 

We had spent the entire afternoon at the dentist and then the late afternoon at my mom's as she "needed" to see Bramma and Papa to tell them about her tooth (and Mommy needed a breather between the dentist and home)  I was now 4 hours behind for work and knew I had a list a mile long to work on when we got home.  But all Madison wanted to do was snuggle.  So, I put everything aside for the night.  Work can be caught up on tomorrow, dishwasher can be unloaded later and lists can be checked off another time.  My little trooper needed snuggles with her mommy.  After a big bowl of spaghettios, some vanilla pudding and a mild (for Madison) hyper spurt, she stripped down (how Madison is most comfortable) grabbed a blanket and within 20 minutes was lightly snoring against my chest, her tooth "chest" clenched in her little fist.  After sufficient baby snuggles I carried her to bed where she woke up just long enough to make sure her tooth was safely tucked under her pillow for the tooth fairy.  And with a slight smile she drifted back off to sleep.

We don't always know the whole story.  We don't understand the pain and emotions we have to go through.  All we have to know is that it's necessary.  We have to clear away the rot of our own lives and allow ourselves to heal where something new, better, healthier can grow in it's place.  It might be nearly impossible to see through the initial pain.  It might not feel worth it while we're experiencing it.  And the aftermath can be nasty.  But the end result is beautiful.  We can't hold onto the pain and suffering or we'll only prolong our own healing.  And remember to put your tooth under your pillow.  There will be rewards in the morning.

Summer for a night

One of the biggest challenges in my life has been to find the positive when feeling weary or in tough situations.  It's difficult to find the silver lining when you feel your sky is completely overcast.  That being said, one of my goals recently has been to try and look for the positive in everything.

And then it snows.  Again.  And this really shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone in Ohio.  Although it's still winter for another month I'm pretty sure all my fellow Ohisians have had their fair share of snow this year. To be honest, I can't quite remember a more snowy season in Ohio.  But this girl from North Carolina  Arizona  Alaska... Ohio is not ready to let the snow beat me down yet.  When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; and when winter seems to never end, invite summer to come along.  That's what me and Madison did tonight.

Grocery shopping was excruciating the other day.  Starting completely fresh in a new house with nothing... well, it gets expensive to do the first grocery shopping.  I've been sticking to a strict budget which has been a huge financial blessing to Byron and I's financial situation.  It's made me appreciate how my mom taught us girls to budget, watch for deals and shop smart... even if it means finding something for $.50 cheaper somewhere else.  I have a constant awareness of what I'm spending and how it affects our new lifestyle.  And it gave me some anxiety with me and Madison venturing out on our own once again not knowing how it would change the current budget.  So I painstakingly made it to the grocery store.  As soon as we walked in Madison spotted a bin full of fresh, ripe watermelons for $5.  Her eyes lit up and I could see the little watermelon fairies dancing in her eyes. 

You have to understand something here.  Madison lives for watermelon.  And it makes sense because that's pretty much all I ate while I was pregnant.  Not many pickle and ice cream moments for me.. get me some slices of fresh, sweet watermelon and I was a happy pregnant person once again.  Studies have shown babies in the womb tend to take on the tastes their mothers experience during pregnancy.  Things that we crave they will generally like and things that revolt us they tend to stay away from.  In other words, the watermelon is no surprise.

At first I couldn't bring myself to spend the $5 for a whole watermelon we likely wouldn't be able to eat half of.  But the longing look in Madison's eyes tugged on my heartstrings and I'll admit, it sounded pretty good to me as well.  I rationalized it by saying it was just as much as a happy meal at McDonalds would cost me for Madison these days and with no further considerations I heaved the whole watermelon into the cart much to the delight of now ecstatic Madison.

So today we're pretty much snowed in.  Nowhere to go for once and just mom and daughter hanging out together itching to get out and run and play.  Enough of the snow.  Bring on the sun.  And then I saw the watermelon.  That was it! We were bringing summer to the dinner table.  Watermelon slices, sweet tea for mom, kool-aid for the kiddo and even napkins with hopeful suns and flowers on them.  The delight on Madison's face is apparent.

She was nearly shaking because I had to tell her to wait to take a bite until I got a picture of her. 

Think she was enjoying it???

So bring it on mother nature.  Go ahead and snow.  Threaten to shut down half of Ohio.  We're ready for you.  Afterall, we still have the rest of the watermelon :)

Clearing the Slate

Inspired by Marcy, I've decided to start a new blog.  I've been enjoying reading hers as she's started putting her thoughts into writing and it made me go back and read my prior 3 blogs I've kept... well part of them anyway!  I've blogged for over 10 years.  Sometimes 3 or 4 times a day, sometimes months inbetween an entry.  High school, college, military, love, breakups, life and even death.  Rereading my own words made me laugh many times... and cry.  It was a trip down nostalgia lane which resulted in one very obvious realization.  I've always been a victim.  And do you want to know a secret?  I'm only my own victim and I am NOT going to live that way any longer. 

My blogging has always been a way to vent emotions, many of them pent up frustrations I was never brave enough to say out loud to the people who probably needed to hear it.  So here's this new blog... a hope of great things to come and a breaking of the binding chains I've let hold me down.

So where does that leave me? I've kept rather quiet about the entire past year of life drama.  I've opened up to very few people and protected myself from as much heartache (ironically) as possible.  A year from last October I experienced a miscarriage right after Byron returning from deployment.  Then his grandfather died suddenly on Christmas.  And then my Papa passed away from leukemia after fighting it three times.  Add in financial burdens, 4000 miles to the closest family and the strain two deployments had taken on mine and Byron's relationship.  Life was tough.  In a desperate attempt to gain back control I allowed my military doctor to put me on Cymbalta for a combination of my chronic shoulder pain and depression.  I am convinced to this day that drug is responsible for every action I took throughout the beginning of last year.  I went crazy.  Literally, physically, mentally, spiritually.  I wasn't myself.  But you couldn't tell me that.  No one could.  I "knew" every decision I made was the "right" one and would lead me to future happiness and success.  Fail plan, Trisha.

As most know I left Byron to escape the Alaskan "wilderness" and return home to my family.  We had very real problems and serious struggles that appeared for so long impossible to overcome.  I spent months after trying to weave through the mess the two of us had created.  I pleaded for people to give me the answers.  I convinced myself I was finding them (but in all the wrong places) Eventually, I felt so crazy and out of control I took myself off the Cymbalta cold turkey.  Fail plan, again.  It took weeks to handle the "aftershocks" with literal brain zaps and withdrawl symptoms (do some research on Cymbalta, it's no joke) I suffered through chronic illnesses, dog bites (multiple), drama drama drama, etc. all the while crying out "GOD WHERE ARE YOU??? WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME A VICTIM???" 

And then I had a moment.




I've made myself the victim.

Maybe I can't prevent dog bites and I might have an affinity for natural disasters and accidents in my life.  But I'm not a victim.  And in a few moments of humble silence I made the crucial commitment to myself, to God, to life... to turn the pity wagon back around.  And even though my marriage was in shambles, my health was turning into a medical mystery and life was in it's natural chaotic state there was still hope.  Marriage is too sacred to just let go.  Life is too precious to live as a victim.  So I reclaimed freedom.  Just like that.

I'm not claiming to have found perfection or utopia.  Quite the opposite.  I still have an affinity for disaster, medical problems to work through and puzzle pieces of life to fit back together.  But admidst all of that is the freedom in reclaiming my life.  In having a positive outlook, a capable attitude and faith that even though I might not see the end picture there most definitely is one.  And it's beautiful.