When the Littleton and Virginia Tech shootings took place there was an unmistakable shock and sadness that shook throughout the nation. If you're the average person you were filled with a sense of loss for the lives lost and communities suffering. And thank goodness nothing like that ever hits close to home, right?
Wrong.
Today a teenage boy opened fire on 5 Chardon students, killing one of them. I have close family and friends from Chardon... it was the "next door neighbor" to my own high school. The student killed is family of one of Byron's closest friends. This isn't entirely too close to home. This IS home.
As the day has gone on and minimal details have unraveled I think we've all felt a sense of despair and wanting answers, wanting to know, how, what, WHY. The police, school officials, teachers, EMT's have done an amazing job today and I have huge amounts of respect for them. That being said, we don't know much about the shooter. He was a troubled teen attending an alternative school, known to have behavior issues. Dad was convicted of murder, parents were divorced, friends saying he "changed" in 8th grade. A loner... I've heard that repeated several times throughout the day. Speculations of a fight between the students shot and this boy over jilted lover and an ex-girlfried. Theories of a drug deal gone wrong. Accusations and fingers being pointed at the students shot for bullying and at the family for "not being there" for the shooter, T.J. In my opinon, it needs to stop. There may have been signs, there will likely be a motive that comes forward but it is not our job to judge or pre-determine it for officials.
That being said, my heart is just breaking for everyone involved. Keeping in theme with my Matthew West blogs "Family Tree" speaks volumes about this horrifying day for Chardon.
You didn't ask for this
Nobody ever would
Caught in the middle of this dysfunction
It's your sad reality
It's your messed up family tree
And all you're left with is all these questions
Are you gonna be like your father was and his father was?
Do you have to carry what they've handed down?
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your destiny
Yesterday does not define you
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you
I have a dream for you
It's better than where you've been
It's bigger than your imagination
You're gonna find real love
And you're gonna hold your kids
You'll change the course of generations
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your destiny
Yesterday does not define you
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you
Cause you're my child
You're my chosen
You are loved
You are loved
And I will restore
All that was broken
You are loved
You are loved
And just like the seasons change
Winter into spring
You're brining new life to your family tree now
Yes you are
You are
No, this will be your legacy
This will be your destiny
Yesterday did not define you
No, this will be your legacy
This will be your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you
And just like the seasons change
Winter into spring
You're brining new life to your family tree now
Every single person reading this. Every single person not reading this. The students. The families. T.J. This is YOUR story. Other people's mistakes and dysfunctions are not your identity. You are not a victim because of your genes. You do not have to fall into harmful and painful footsteps that your family has created before you. When tragedy likes this strikes everyone is left wondering "What more could I have done?" "How did I mess up so much that I didn't see this coming?" "Why did I not do something sooner?" I refuse to believe that this kid was born into violence or murder just because it's how his father was. I don't believe that his true identity is one of bully-driven hatred and anger. He is not the shadow of an alleged murderer or the creation of bullies. He is T.J. And he has his own identity. Let's not try to assign him one just because we need answers.
Everyone please take in the lyrics of this song and TRUST them. If you are down, depressed, angry, full of revenge or hatred. Those feelings are not your identity. They aren't what has to define you. No one on this earth may have the power to reverse things you've experienced or seen... and no one may have the right words or a magic wand to make the hurt and anger go away. But there is never, ever an excuse to allow yourself to go over the edge. EVERYONE has people who love them... and even when it seems the world walks out you have a loving God who is always, always there loving you through every trial and tribulation. You don't have to be alone and you don't have to pre-destined to desperation.
Please keep the victims, the families, the community and especially the family and friends of T.J. and T.J. himself in your prayers. Let's love them through this and not let our shock, sadness and even anger fuel the fire and drama.
“I choose gentleness… Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice may it be only in praise. If I clench my fist, may it be only in prayer. If I make a demand, may it be only of myself. ”
— Max Lucado
Monday, February 27, 2012
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
My Own Little World
After a six month hiatus I'm back to the blogging world. I'm excited about this blog. At first, I was going to say I'm going to wait on the Matthew West blogging idea altogether. Then I realized how very perfect his song "My Own Little World" coincides with the blog I was intending. So here it goes.
It's no secret anymore (and perhaps never was) the amount of chaos that surrounds my life. Something is always amiss, going wrong, someone's hurt, something's lost, etc. Many times I've had no choice but to make everything in life about me. Through the past several years I've realized some of my drama queen tendencies in overreacting to situations, and trust me... I've worked hard to reverse that role! However, there are things like family deaths, miscarriages and even completely torn off toe nails that you can't overreact to or possibly avoid. Each day has always been a survival fight.
Several months ago I had the awesome opportunity to travel with the ladies from my church to the Come to the Fire Conference in Grove City. The conference was titled "Entering His Rest" I went into the weekend with an open mind and heart. I had no idea what to expect. What happened is simple. I cleansed my heart and it was healed. Once I let go of everything "busy" and "chaotic" and utterly stressful in my life a new vision was opened up to me. When you clear out the baggage in your life you make room for other things to fill the space. And it's not about me. I felt a relief and release from the world's hold on MY life. In turn, I was filled with a deep-seeded anxiousness to serve and help others.
What if there's a bigger picture?
What if I've been missing out?
What if there's a greater purpose?
I could be living right now, outside my own little world.
That's where my struggle lies now. I want to cause positive change in other people's lives. I'm becoming more in tune to other people's trials and chaos instead of focusing on my own. The problem is... I'm not quite sure where to go with that. My heart is in the right place, but this is all so new to me. I don't know how I fit into THEIR picture.
I don't want to miss what matters.
I want to be reaching out.
Show me a greater purpose
I could be living right now.
1) Money - Financially Byron and I are doing better than we ever have, but we still don't have much extra to give away. It seems the majority of the problems I run into is financial crisis of other people or families. My heart breaks for this because I have been there. We have been so far in debt that the next paycheck doesn't even cover all of the overdrafted items and fees. We have not known where money for groceries or diapers would come from. It was desperation. With the help of one amazing woman, our crisis was reversed and we were able to get on track. With some serious devotion and sacrifices we have paid off $20,000 in debt in the past year. Save the applause. We never should have been there in the first place. But now I am aware and sensitive of those people struggling to make ends meet. I can think of four friends very near and dear to me that currently are and have been having serious financial difficulties. I hear their heartache and I know that pain oh so personally. My heart breaks as I realize I cannot take their financial difficulties away. Then I go more global and think about local charities, homeless people I see on the side of the freeway, world hunger... does it ever stop? We sponsor two children through World Vision and Food for the Hungry. While I am proud to give that money each month I also have a very raw anger that I can't do more for the other millions of starving kids, local homeless shelters, friends about to declare bankruptcy.....
2) Time - Who in America has extra time? Seems as if I don't. Byron just came in a whirlwind of two weeks. I have two dogs and an almost 5 year old I'm keeping up with. The house, cleaning, cooking, bills, car, work, laundry, etc. You all know the picture I'm painting. We're in a society that only knows the meaning of "go". I wish I could run down to Hope House and volunteer for a regular position to help them. I've always wanted to join a Habitat for Humanity team. I have a heart longing to go on a missions trip. I don't know where to find the time.
3) Prayer - When you can't devote your time, energies or money to a worthy cause where is the first place Christians generally turn to? Prayer. Prayer becomes life's bandage and a way to feel less guilty about not doing it all. We pray when things get tough for us or other people. We pray for other people's friends and family and struggles. We pray for healing and divine intervention. I have never been a strong prayer. I am guilty of the "help me" prayers. I believe in the power of prayer and I have seen firsthand (and believe in my soul) the way it changes lives. But I don't do it enough. Guilty. Very. I have a fear of praying out loud. I have a guilt every time I pray that I don't do it enough. And I know that helping others only begins at prayer, but doesn't stop there. I still have to take action. I still have to find a way to help.
3) The Mental Game - Then I start to feel bad. I want to do everything for everyone. I have a million great ideas and have only acted on a handful of them. I start to mentally beat myself for everything I haven't done that I want to do. I have found that since I've had a more open heart I AM doing more to help others. But in return I get more and more burned out. The hardest thing I've had to accept is that when you do nice things for others it often goes without thanks, without appreciation and sometimes even with disrespect in return. It's opened my eyes to what pastors must go through on a constant basis always trying to help other people's problems, encourage them to live the correct way, guide them, teach them, etc. only to have it spit back in their face. My human nature starts to take over. I help a friend and they scoff for me not helping them the right way. I give money to a homeless person and see him walking out of a bar an hour later. I try to buy fair-trade products not from slavery and fail. I get depressed and angry. "Why are people not gracious?" "Why is this person throwing their life, relationship, money, _______.... away?" "Why do I live with such an EXCESS of stuff that over 100 people and children of other countries are working as my slave? The mental game will torture you and destroy you if you let it.
4) The Curse - I fall into old habits. I gossip. I envy. I am quick to anger. I'm stubborn. I procrastinate. And even though one man saved me from that and redeemed me, the fall of man is still heavy in every life. Romans 7. Just read it. Even though my heart is good and intentions are great I am still human. And I don't do things right all the time. I'm nowhere near perfect. I am a sinner.
Where does this all go other than driving a person crazy? The next lyrics are my prayer:
Father, break my heart for what breaks yours.
Give me open hands and open doors.
Put your light in my eyes and let me see
That my own little world is not about me.
Rinse and repeat. Over and over and over again. And don't quit. As long as your heart is that of Jesus you will never be led astray. And if you keep your heart open and willing the resources and time and energies and prayers for people in need will be supplied. And don't ever, ever forget that it's not about you or me. The world we live in intimately knows hurt, struggle and chaos. Break me, open me, enlighten me and then let me share it with those who need it.
It's no secret anymore (and perhaps never was) the amount of chaos that surrounds my life. Something is always amiss, going wrong, someone's hurt, something's lost, etc. Many times I've had no choice but to make everything in life about me. Through the past several years I've realized some of my drama queen tendencies in overreacting to situations, and trust me... I've worked hard to reverse that role! However, there are things like family deaths, miscarriages and even completely torn off toe nails that you can't overreact to or possibly avoid. Each day has always been a survival fight.
Several months ago I had the awesome opportunity to travel with the ladies from my church to the Come to the Fire Conference in Grove City. The conference was titled "Entering His Rest" I went into the weekend with an open mind and heart. I had no idea what to expect. What happened is simple. I cleansed my heart and it was healed. Once I let go of everything "busy" and "chaotic" and utterly stressful in my life a new vision was opened up to me. When you clear out the baggage in your life you make room for other things to fill the space. And it's not about me. I felt a relief and release from the world's hold on MY life. In turn, I was filled with a deep-seeded anxiousness to serve and help others.
What if there's a bigger picture?
What if I've been missing out?
What if there's a greater purpose?
I could be living right now, outside my own little world.
That's where my struggle lies now. I want to cause positive change in other people's lives. I'm becoming more in tune to other people's trials and chaos instead of focusing on my own. The problem is... I'm not quite sure where to go with that. My heart is in the right place, but this is all so new to me. I don't know how I fit into THEIR picture.
I don't want to miss what matters.
I want to be reaching out.
Show me a greater purpose
I could be living right now.
1) Money - Financially Byron and I are doing better than we ever have, but we still don't have much extra to give away. It seems the majority of the problems I run into is financial crisis of other people or families. My heart breaks for this because I have been there. We have been so far in debt that the next paycheck doesn't even cover all of the overdrafted items and fees. We have not known where money for groceries or diapers would come from. It was desperation. With the help of one amazing woman, our crisis was reversed and we were able to get on track. With some serious devotion and sacrifices we have paid off $20,000 in debt in the past year. Save the applause. We never should have been there in the first place. But now I am aware and sensitive of those people struggling to make ends meet. I can think of four friends very near and dear to me that currently are and have been having serious financial difficulties. I hear their heartache and I know that pain oh so personally. My heart breaks as I realize I cannot take their financial difficulties away. Then I go more global and think about local charities, homeless people I see on the side of the freeway, world hunger... does it ever stop? We sponsor two children through World Vision and Food for the Hungry. While I am proud to give that money each month I also have a very raw anger that I can't do more for the other millions of starving kids, local homeless shelters, friends about to declare bankruptcy.....
2) Time - Who in America has extra time? Seems as if I don't. Byron just came in a whirlwind of two weeks. I have two dogs and an almost 5 year old I'm keeping up with. The house, cleaning, cooking, bills, car, work, laundry, etc. You all know the picture I'm painting. We're in a society that only knows the meaning of "go". I wish I could run down to Hope House and volunteer for a regular position to help them. I've always wanted to join a Habitat for Humanity team. I have a heart longing to go on a missions trip. I don't know where to find the time.
3) Prayer - When you can't devote your time, energies or money to a worthy cause where is the first place Christians generally turn to? Prayer. Prayer becomes life's bandage and a way to feel less guilty about not doing it all. We pray when things get tough for us or other people. We pray for other people's friends and family and struggles. We pray for healing and divine intervention. I have never been a strong prayer. I am guilty of the "help me" prayers. I believe in the power of prayer and I have seen firsthand (and believe in my soul) the way it changes lives. But I don't do it enough. Guilty. Very. I have a fear of praying out loud. I have a guilt every time I pray that I don't do it enough. And I know that helping others only begins at prayer, but doesn't stop there. I still have to take action. I still have to find a way to help.
3) The Mental Game - Then I start to feel bad. I want to do everything for everyone. I have a million great ideas and have only acted on a handful of them. I start to mentally beat myself for everything I haven't done that I want to do. I have found that since I've had a more open heart I AM doing more to help others. But in return I get more and more burned out. The hardest thing I've had to accept is that when you do nice things for others it often goes without thanks, without appreciation and sometimes even with disrespect in return. It's opened my eyes to what pastors must go through on a constant basis always trying to help other people's problems, encourage them to live the correct way, guide them, teach them, etc. only to have it spit back in their face. My human nature starts to take over. I help a friend and they scoff for me not helping them the right way. I give money to a homeless person and see him walking out of a bar an hour later. I try to buy fair-trade products not from slavery and fail. I get depressed and angry. "Why are people not gracious?" "Why is this person throwing their life, relationship, money, _______.... away?" "Why do I live with such an EXCESS of stuff that over 100 people and children of other countries are working as my slave? The mental game will torture you and destroy you if you let it.
4) The Curse - I fall into old habits. I gossip. I envy. I am quick to anger. I'm stubborn. I procrastinate. And even though one man saved me from that and redeemed me, the fall of man is still heavy in every life. Romans 7. Just read it. Even though my heart is good and intentions are great I am still human. And I don't do things right all the time. I'm nowhere near perfect. I am a sinner.
Where does this all go other than driving a person crazy? The next lyrics are my prayer:
Father, break my heart for what breaks yours.
Give me open hands and open doors.
Put your light in my eyes and let me see
That my own little world is not about me.
Rinse and repeat. Over and over and over again. And don't quit. As long as your heart is that of Jesus you will never be led astray. And if you keep your heart open and willing the resources and time and energies and prayers for people in need will be supplied. And don't ever, ever forget that it's not about you or me. The world we live in intimately knows hurt, struggle and chaos. Break me, open me, enlighten me and then let me share it with those who need it.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Matthew West Blogging Tour: Story of Your Life
Are you ready for the story of your life? Okay, lame attempt at a joke to kick things off...
I've had a really hard time kicking this blog series off, hence the 4 day delay. I could never be a pastor and work under weekly pressure. I've been struggling with whether to keep the themes universal or individual. With much deliberation I've decided to keep them individually universal.
The Story of Your Life - for Matthew West's commentaries, the story behind the song and to listen go to http://www.matthewwest.com/stories/?id=1
"Is this the end? Or only the beginning?" And I was hooked. That's what this entire blogging site is about for me. Reclaiming freedom. New beginnings. Starting over. We all have dark pasts, hidden secrets, and "demons" seemingly haunting us at every turn, don't we? I reached a point last year where I simply gave up. The fight wasn't worth it because I was just getting too hurt, too angry, too confused.
"The question is will you do something with it? Or spend your days lost in your regret?"
If there was ever a line of lyrics that could feel like a punch in the gut that's it right there. My mind was clouded, my vision of the future clouded and I was seemingly blinded to the present. Why me? Why more? God, I can't handle this. You. Make. Me. So. Angry. The blame, the guilt, the raw and bitter fury I felt towards a God I knew to be so loving and only felt to be so unfair and unjust. It was a downward spiral that emptied into an infinitely bottomless pit. Not a fun mental picture, is it?
"Breathe in deep. Feel your heart start beating. Let's go see the reason you're alive."
Life is a journey. And I needed this reminder to keep breathing, realize I AM and WAS alive. And as if I took that invisible hand, I began the process of painstakingly rereading my own story. You see, that infinitely bottomless pit is bottomless for a reason. We can feel like we keep falling, that we've reached the bottom or that things couldn't get any worse. My vision was obscured and I was in complete denial that a loving God could let me fall so low. The truth is that, in fact, that same loving God loves me so much and is so full of grace and mercies that he kept that pit from having a bottom, He kept me above water when I felt like I was drowning. Even through my own obstinate anger and frustrations the Holy Spirit had strong arms wrapped around me and carried me through all of the tribulations I was experiencing. That in itself is amazing and its own story to be told. But just as the first and last lyrics of the song ask.... it's not the end.
"This is the story of your life. You decide how the rest is gonna be."
We are each writing our own story. God doesn't just jump in as the cure-all, mend-all at our beck and call. He gave us beautiful minds to make decisions for a reason. Our stories here on Earth don't end when we feel like life is crashing down. We have ups and downs, good times and bad. Each chapter, each moment of rejoicing and period of darkness creates a story that is uniquely our own. The most beautiful part is we are our own authors. Are we going to let that negative past declare our future to be one of the same sorrow? We have extraordinarily powerful minds that can take all of our past turmoil and triumphs and turn them into an intricately woven story worth reading over and over again, full of bountiful life lessons we can learn from and be an example to others. Are you going to let yours be a tragedy or one with a fairy-tale happily ever after? The choice is yours. I know where mine is headed and I'm excited to keep writing.
"This is the story of your life and it's a story worth telling."
I've had a really hard time kicking this blog series off, hence the 4 day delay. I could never be a pastor and work under weekly pressure. I've been struggling with whether to keep the themes universal or individual. With much deliberation I've decided to keep them individually universal.
The Story of Your Life - for Matthew West's commentaries, the story behind the song and to listen go to http://www.matthewwest.com/stories/?id=1
"Is this the end? Or only the beginning?" And I was hooked. That's what this entire blogging site is about for me. Reclaiming freedom. New beginnings. Starting over. We all have dark pasts, hidden secrets, and "demons" seemingly haunting us at every turn, don't we? I reached a point last year where I simply gave up. The fight wasn't worth it because I was just getting too hurt, too angry, too confused.
"The question is will you do something with it? Or spend your days lost in your regret?"
If there was ever a line of lyrics that could feel like a punch in the gut that's it right there. My mind was clouded, my vision of the future clouded and I was seemingly blinded to the present. Why me? Why more? God, I can't handle this. You. Make. Me. So. Angry. The blame, the guilt, the raw and bitter fury I felt towards a God I knew to be so loving and only felt to be so unfair and unjust. It was a downward spiral that emptied into an infinitely bottomless pit. Not a fun mental picture, is it?
"Breathe in deep. Feel your heart start beating. Let's go see the reason you're alive."
Life is a journey. And I needed this reminder to keep breathing, realize I AM and WAS alive. And as if I took that invisible hand, I began the process of painstakingly rereading my own story. You see, that infinitely bottomless pit is bottomless for a reason. We can feel like we keep falling, that we've reached the bottom or that things couldn't get any worse. My vision was obscured and I was in complete denial that a loving God could let me fall so low. The truth is that, in fact, that same loving God loves me so much and is so full of grace and mercies that he kept that pit from having a bottom, He kept me above water when I felt like I was drowning. Even through my own obstinate anger and frustrations the Holy Spirit had strong arms wrapped around me and carried me through all of the tribulations I was experiencing. That in itself is amazing and its own story to be told. But just as the first and last lyrics of the song ask.... it's not the end.
"This is the story of your life. You decide how the rest is gonna be."
We are each writing our own story. God doesn't just jump in as the cure-all, mend-all at our beck and call. He gave us beautiful minds to make decisions for a reason. Our stories here on Earth don't end when we feel like life is crashing down. We have ups and downs, good times and bad. Each chapter, each moment of rejoicing and period of darkness creates a story that is uniquely our own. The most beautiful part is we are our own authors. Are we going to let that negative past declare our future to be one of the same sorrow? We have extraordinarily powerful minds that can take all of our past turmoil and triumphs and turn them into an intricately woven story worth reading over and over again, full of bountiful life lessons we can learn from and be an example to others. Are you going to let yours be a tragedy or one with a fairy-tale happily ever after? The choice is yours. I know where mine is headed and I'm excited to keep writing.
"This is the story of your life and it's a story worth telling."
Monday, July 11, 2011
The Matthew West Blogging Tour
While life has been crazy busy in the past few weeks it has remained relatively drama free since the toe mishap. The "calm" and many hours in the car has given me plenty of time to reflect on the past several years. The weekend before last I was blessed to have a few days to spend with one of my most cherished friends, Jen. Jen and I originally met through the Mark Schultz message boards way back in 2004. A concert in Bluffton with Matthew West, Mark Schultz and Avalon was the beginning of a great friendship we've been able to expand upon ever since. I was starstruck at the time of the concert and when I had the chance to meet Mark Schultz face-to-face after the concert I walked right by Matthew West's outstretched hand to me and stumbled googly-eyed towards Mark instead. I could kick myself now. My partiality towards Mark's music and all that was associated it pretty much blinded me at the time to the wonders of Matthew West's music. Still kicking myself.
Two summers ago I got to travel with some friends to Illinois where we attended a Christian Music Festival featuring Mark Schultz, Matthew West and the groups Mel endearingly termed "Satan music" It was then that I saw Matthew West for the artist, performer and man that he is. And it was then that Ijokingly started referring to him as my future husband. Okay, really joking... honest. But the man has the entire package and I am just constantly in awe of him.
Last year I was in the eye of the storm with mine and Byron's separation when I started following that Matthew was writing an entire album based off of stories his Facebook and Twitter fans had submitted. He had asked that everyone submit a story of their life.... good, bad, ugly, the inbetween... He spent several weekends in a cabin reading and analyzing those stories and wrote his entire album based off of them. Oh, I was excited to be sure. But nothing could have ever braced me for the reality, truth and healing powers behind this album. No music has ever touched me before as his has in this album. I was moved to tears and goosebumps upon first hearing it and I can honestly say that hasn't stopped with each subsequent "Matthew West Therapy Session". The album is genius, the lyrics are incredible and the voice behind it all is so moving that I can't help but blog about it now.
Anyway, it really struck me while I was driving down to Columbus for the weekend with Jen and the concert how much I wanted and needed to share the impact this album has had on my life. It has such raw universal truths and messages woven throughout it that I don't think there's a single breathing person out there who can't be affected by it in some way. And it's for that reason I've chosen to actually start a blog series for the first time ever based on each song in the album. I've never pre-meditated more than one blog at a time. All of my blogging comes from the heart and if it feels forced I get a mental block and find myself unable to write. But as I listened to each song and the things I could write about my mind was just reeling with blogging possibilities. I'm really excited about it all and can't wait to share with you all. His stories truly resonate within the very core of my soul and have given me deliverance and freedom I've so desperately needed.
Next blog... Story of My Life :) Stay tuned...
Two summers ago I got to travel with some friends to Illinois where we attended a Christian Music Festival featuring Mark Schultz, Matthew West and the groups Mel endearingly termed "Satan music" It was then that I saw Matthew West for the artist, performer and man that he is. And it was then that I
Last year I was in the eye of the storm with mine and Byron's separation when I started following that Matthew was writing an entire album based off of stories his Facebook and Twitter fans had submitted. He had asked that everyone submit a story of their life.... good, bad, ugly, the inbetween... He spent several weekends in a cabin reading and analyzing those stories and wrote his entire album based off of them. Oh, I was excited to be sure. But nothing could have ever braced me for the reality, truth and healing powers behind this album. No music has ever touched me before as his has in this album. I was moved to tears and goosebumps upon first hearing it and I can honestly say that hasn't stopped with each subsequent "Matthew West Therapy Session". The album is genius, the lyrics are incredible and the voice behind it all is so moving that I can't help but blog about it now.
Anyway, it really struck me while I was driving down to Columbus for the weekend with Jen and the concert how much I wanted and needed to share the impact this album has had on my life. It has such raw universal truths and messages woven throughout it that I don't think there's a single breathing person out there who can't be affected by it in some way. And it's for that reason I've chosen to actually start a blog series for the first time ever based on each song in the album. I've never pre-meditated more than one blog at a time. All of my blogging comes from the heart and if it feels forced I get a mental block and find myself unable to write. But as I listened to each song and the things I could write about my mind was just reeling with blogging possibilities. I'm really excited about it all and can't wait to share with you all. His stories truly resonate within the very core of my soul and have given me deliverance and freedom I've so desperately needed.
Next blog... Story of My Life :) Stay tuned...
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Creating new images
I've recently been reading back over my years of old blogs. One painstaking realization I've had to make is how much I've complained in the past. Perhaps because my blogs were a safe haven it's the one place I felt like I could open up. But it's also been this sickness, this injury, this person making me feel horrible for this reason, this life circumstance getting me down. Now it goes without saying that my life is constantly in its own special ebb and flow of natural chaos. I'm not sure why I've always felt such a need to vent through my blog to any readers why I've been unfortunate, the details of my chaos, the reasons for my misery, etc. Maybe there is healing in typing my own words. More likely I've always had an over need of obtaining sympathy as a means of acceptance. It's been a chronic attention-getting behavior when I'm feeling lonely, misplaced, or unloved (and with my husband and best friend chronically thousands of miles away those feelings surface themslves more often than not). Trust me, that's a hard realization to open up my mind to and post for any readers to peruse over. I've really realized this fault of mine over the past 6 months or so. It's a habit hard to break honestly. I catch myself all the time going to post a status about my misfortunes, or ready to post sarcastic remarks to every person or situation which upsets or angers me. Looking back at my Xanga and Deadjournal blogs my biggest mistake was not holding back, not caring how I made people feel. In my own mind my feelings were completely validated or people needed to hear how sick or unlucky I'd been.
I have been blessed with an amazing husband who has more patience than any other man I've ever met. He has tolerated me through my worst and loved me through each complaint, each freak-out, each illness and accident. He supported me all 42 times I swore I was going into labor, has worried with me each time we've dealt with an illness or injury, and has been full of encouragement every single time I get down on myself or feel overcome with worry, doubt and loneliness. He has been such a Godly example of compassion and patience to me and is definitely the reason I have kept myself held together at times.
I think it's hard for many people to understand me and the chaos that trails closely behind. And I think too many people look at me and see me as a victim of my own circumstances or a bringer of my own misfortune. They see me and want to know what bad news I have to bring "this time". Even as I walked into my doctor's office this week he laughed and said "Trisha, Trisha what have you done to yourself this time?" And I think that's become too common of a reaction... people see me and just think of the mess I bring. I don't want to be that person. So, the past 6 months has been an evaluation of sorts in working on myself and how I react to situations. It's true I seem to have a certain streak of bad luck and my own clumsiness is oftentimes the bringer of unforseen accidents. But I don't want to live as if that's my identity. I feel that's the persona I've created for myself over the past 10 years. It's a hard profile to break out of when it's been so meticulously built up. It's also a comfort blanket to fall back on when things start to get tough.
When Byron and I separated I lost that support in him that enabled my feelings. He constantly builds me up and while that is an amazing quality in him it also allowed me to continue in those same patterns. It has taken a lot of prayer, meditation and will to begin breaking through my own shell to figure out why there's so much chaos and how I can react differently to it in the future.
What I've been learning more and more lately is that one of the biggest and most important things I can do to change my own image of myself and the image others have of me is to practice more discernment. It means me biting my lip when people offend me, it means sucking up my pride when I'm feeling down and lonely and as if people don't care. It's about me making better choices all around in life. I suppose I've been a "binge drinker" for a long time in life oftentimes broadcasting things, blogging about things, posting about things, getting angry about things, talking about people when they make me mad (etc. etc. we could all go on couldn't we?) - doing all of these things at the drop of a hat with little regard to how it will affect myself and others in the future because it makes me feel better temporarily.
It's time that I start building myself up to the person that I know and those who are close to me know that I am. I want people to look at me and see compassion, strength, humor and integrity; not a weak person always sick, prone to accidents and falling apart at the seams. And the key person who needs to see those positive traits is myself; for people are only going to see on the surface the same person and image that I've created of myself and believe myself to be.
It's time I move beyond these three pictures:
I have been blessed with an amazing husband who has more patience than any other man I've ever met. He has tolerated me through my worst and loved me through each complaint, each freak-out, each illness and accident. He supported me all 42 times I swore I was going into labor, has worried with me each time we've dealt with an illness or injury, and has been full of encouragement every single time I get down on myself or feel overcome with worry, doubt and loneliness. He has been such a Godly example of compassion and patience to me and is definitely the reason I have kept myself held together at times.
I think it's hard for many people to understand me and the chaos that trails closely behind. And I think too many people look at me and see me as a victim of my own circumstances or a bringer of my own misfortune. They see me and want to know what bad news I have to bring "this time". Even as I walked into my doctor's office this week he laughed and said "Trisha, Trisha what have you done to yourself this time?" And I think that's become too common of a reaction... people see me and just think of the mess I bring. I don't want to be that person. So, the past 6 months has been an evaluation of sorts in working on myself and how I react to situations. It's true I seem to have a certain streak of bad luck and my own clumsiness is oftentimes the bringer of unforseen accidents. But I don't want to live as if that's my identity. I feel that's the persona I've created for myself over the past 10 years. It's a hard profile to break out of when it's been so meticulously built up. It's also a comfort blanket to fall back on when things start to get tough.
When Byron and I separated I lost that support in him that enabled my feelings. He constantly builds me up and while that is an amazing quality in him it also allowed me to continue in those same patterns. It has taken a lot of prayer, meditation and will to begin breaking through my own shell to figure out why there's so much chaos and how I can react differently to it in the future.
What I've been learning more and more lately is that one of the biggest and most important things I can do to change my own image of myself and the image others have of me is to practice more discernment. It means me biting my lip when people offend me, it means sucking up my pride when I'm feeling down and lonely and as if people don't care. It's about me making better choices all around in life. I suppose I've been a "binge drinker" for a long time in life oftentimes broadcasting things, blogging about things, posting about things, getting angry about things, talking about people when they make me mad (etc. etc. we could all go on couldn't we?) - doing all of these things at the drop of a hat with little regard to how it will affect myself and others in the future because it makes me feel better temporarily.
It's time that I start building myself up to the person that I know and those who are close to me know that I am. I want people to look at me and see compassion, strength, humor and integrity; not a weak person always sick, prone to accidents and falling apart at the seams. And the key person who needs to see those positive traits is myself; for people are only going to see on the surface the same person and image that I've created of myself and believe myself to be.
It's time I move beyond these three pictures:
And return to and let people see the real person in these pictures....
Thursday, June 9, 2011
One hot bird
It was scorching hot yesterday so I set up Madison's pool in concoction with the sprinkler. Her and Kirby had a blast splashing around and cooling down. Perhaps a little too much because the pool quickly became much more fun as a mud pit. Madison was soon caked in mud from head to toe. After she enjoyed herself a little bit more than I would have liked I disconnected the sprinkler and went to work rinsing her off. As I did I noticed off in the distance a bird sitting on the edge of the fence watching us. This really comes as no surprise as the neighborhood is an animal haven. Squirrels, chipmunks, rabbits, and dozens of types of birds routinely hang out in my backyard. But this bird was different. Instead of flying off once it realized it was noticed it hopped down to the ground. Then it took a few brave steps closer. I was holding the hose... looking at the bird... and back to the hose again. It was in the 90's and we're in a neighborhood without ponds or streams. This bird wanted some water. It wanted water bad enough that it was willing to overlook it's fear of being safe to get it. So I switched the hose settings to squirt water further where I wouldn't scare the little guy. It came about a foot from hitting him. I expected him to startle and fly off but no, that bird was persistent. He hopped a few steps closer and proceeded for the next minute or two to practically dance around in the rainy mist surrounding him. He fluffed his feathers, stretched his head up to the sky, pranced around a bit and thoroughly enjoyed his birdie bath in the cool water. It drew the attention of several other birds who flitted over to the gate. My little bird friend flew off to a nearby branch shaking himself off with an air of "you guys saw nothing, I wasn't trusting those humans."
You all know me by now... grabbing life analogies from nature. This one struck me hard. How many of us feel the heat of our lives weighing us down, feel the hot sun pressing around us, draining our energy and dehydrating our souls? We'd do anything for a refreshing rain on our lives to wipe it all away. Without trying to sound too cliche here we have our own gardener with the water of life ready to pour out on us. And like many birds we stand back timidly, shy away and take flight. Why? Because of fear. We've been hurt before perhaps. Or maybe we're too proud. Perhaps it's because our self-consciousness wins over and we don't want to be seen as "that" bird foolishly dancing in the water God is offering us. There are a million reasons why and we each have our stories, our fears, our inhibitions. We don't always trust the gardener. Sometimes it is really hard to trust and reach out in faith when we feel we've been burned and scorched to our very core. But here is the truth:
13 Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” John 4:14
Be that little bird in my backyard. Let your thirst and exhaustion bring you to the reviving waters that will quench your soul again. Feel free to dance a little too - we all have much to rejoice in! :)
You all know me by now... grabbing life analogies from nature. This one struck me hard. How many of us feel the heat of our lives weighing us down, feel the hot sun pressing around us, draining our energy and dehydrating our souls? We'd do anything for a refreshing rain on our lives to wipe it all away. Without trying to sound too cliche here we have our own gardener with the water of life ready to pour out on us. And like many birds we stand back timidly, shy away and take flight. Why? Because of fear. We've been hurt before perhaps. Or maybe we're too proud. Perhaps it's because our self-consciousness wins over and we don't want to be seen as "that" bird foolishly dancing in the water God is offering us. There are a million reasons why and we each have our stories, our fears, our inhibitions. We don't always trust the gardener. Sometimes it is really hard to trust and reach out in faith when we feel we've been burned and scorched to our very core. But here is the truth:
13 Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” John 4:14
Be that little bird in my backyard. Let your thirst and exhaustion bring you to the reviving waters that will quench your soul again. Feel free to dance a little too - we all have much to rejoice in! :)
Monday, May 23, 2011
Deployment is real
This one has been a long time coming. I keep alluding to the "deployment" email that has always been set for some future date. Well, here it is. It's been delayed partially because I simply haven't had time to sit down and write and partially because I haven't known how to express my feelings in words. Seems a bit ironic for me, no?
This whole deployment from the start has been awkward. And I feel awkward talking about it. You see, it wasn't "supposed" to happen. I say "supposed" because I know all things in life happen for a reason and God has His hand all over it, sometimes we just choose some especially long-winded paths. When Byron and I were separated we had quite the hard time figuring out what was going to happen with the house. It wasn't selling, we have the mortgage on it and he was scheduled to leave Alaska in December. Both of us had the least amount of hope in our marriage than any other point and there seemed to be no other decision. Byron signed to stay in Alaska for another three years for the sake of the house alone. We couldn't afford to pay on it, didn't want to risk having renters in it while we were out of state and neither one of us would be able to maintain it if a divorce was finalized. Staying in Alaska was the logical choice for Byron. That also meant signing onto this current deployment.
I have a really hard time wondering what people think of me. I always have. And it makes it worse knowing what we've gone through in the past year. The horrible rumors that were spread around, the truths we had to weave through and deal with and the confusion I'm sure we spread to everyone makes me assume everyone is eyeing us suspiciously and perhaps judgementally. I don't like that feeling. At all. So I've kept pretty quiet about the entire situation and tried to keep a smile on my face (do you see a repetitive defense mechanism pattern here yet?) Afterall, we've been through two deployments. Third times a charm? And even though Byron and I have still been sorting through the chaos of ourselves we're thrown into another year long separation.
Honest confession here. I feel very guilty. I feel guilty for leaving Alaska. I feel guilty for taking Madison away from him for a year prior to this deployment. I feel guilty for not staying and being strong. I feel guilty for not being there to make sure the house sold and that we were able to move on to the next chapter of our life together. Guilt will eat away at you and tear you up, strangling you. I know in my heart-of-hearts I wouldn't have made it up there. I made a decision that was best for our family at the time without even knowing it. I physically, mentally, spiritually could not survive up there any longer than I did. Yet the guilt still lurks around the corner each passing moment.
So let's deal with reality now. Byron is on his third deployment, second to Afghanistan. The separation has become "routine" and we understand how the entire deployment system works. And that's the very problem right there. It has become a routine. Our biggest concern going into this was our relationship not just surviving the year but miraculously coming out stronger. We were scared for us, for the marriage, for our life. Somehow in that the facts of deployment somehow evaded me. He is at war. And it's dangerous.
One night last week I was struggling to sleep so grabbed up my Kindle Byron had bought me for Mother's Day. I fell asleep reading and was startled awake at 12:22am by something unknown. I know it was 12:22am because for some odd reason I was holding my phone in my hand instead of having it on the ledge beside me. As I went to put it back I got a text message. It was a random 5 digit number with a dash inbetween. The message read "Families and friends of 5-1 CAV. It is with great sorrow that I tell you that on May 15, 3 1-25 soldiers were killed in" and that was it. The rest of the message cut off. I started to freak. As an Army wife we have been briefed repeatedly that we will never be notified of death by any means but in person. And the other wives generally never find out about someone else's death until the next of kin have been notified. Two minutes later I got a voicemail. It was a synthesized voice stating the same thing as the text but this time I got the full message. 3 of our 1-25 soldiers had been killed in action and 2 others severely injured. Please don't post anything about it on social media networking sites until names are released pending notification of next of kin. You have got to be kidding me. No names, no hint at what had happened. Nothing. Shortly after came the FRG email reiterrating the same message. And I was left to freak out for the remainder of the evening. It was a sense of panic that could not be replaced by logic. I knew I would be notified asap if something had happened to Byron but I couldn't believe in my heart that it wasn't him until I got some type of verification. I spent the entire early hours and next morning in a completely panicked state waiting to hear something, anything. It wasn't until 4pm that I finally heard from Byron. Fear paralyzed me as I answered the phone... just seeing the Afghanistan number and not knowing if it was him or not. When I heard his voice I completely lost it. I broke down and cried leaving him slightly confused and probably overwhelmed on the other line. He had no clue I had gotten those emails/texts/calls.
Surviving the deployment became a lot less relational and a lot more physical. Afghanistan is a crazy unsafe place. I have felt this whole time like the guys and especially Byron are untouchable. It was too soon for anyone to get killed. They just got there. These guys know what they're doing. Excuses just pouring through my head to make the soldiers of 1-25 invincible. It doesn't work like that in war apparently. This deployment very quickly took on an entirely different meaning. It's going to be long and tough. It'll likely try our marriage, test our patience and send me into hysterics more than once. Neither one of us can get through it alone. I'm so grateful to have a nurturing group of people to help us through it. But even more I'm grateful to have a firm understanding and find great comfort and peace in the fact that faith, hope and love can get you through anything. Faith in God, hope in the future and love. We'll make it.
This whole deployment from the start has been awkward. And I feel awkward talking about it. You see, it wasn't "supposed" to happen. I say "supposed" because I know all things in life happen for a reason and God has His hand all over it, sometimes we just choose some especially long-winded paths. When Byron and I were separated we had quite the hard time figuring out what was going to happen with the house. It wasn't selling, we have the mortgage on it and he was scheduled to leave Alaska in December. Both of us had the least amount of hope in our marriage than any other point and there seemed to be no other decision. Byron signed to stay in Alaska for another three years for the sake of the house alone. We couldn't afford to pay on it, didn't want to risk having renters in it while we were out of state and neither one of us would be able to maintain it if a divorce was finalized. Staying in Alaska was the logical choice for Byron. That also meant signing onto this current deployment.
I have a really hard time wondering what people think of me. I always have. And it makes it worse knowing what we've gone through in the past year. The horrible rumors that were spread around, the truths we had to weave through and deal with and the confusion I'm sure we spread to everyone makes me assume everyone is eyeing us suspiciously and perhaps judgementally. I don't like that feeling. At all. So I've kept pretty quiet about the entire situation and tried to keep a smile on my face (do you see a repetitive defense mechanism pattern here yet?) Afterall, we've been through two deployments. Third times a charm? And even though Byron and I have still been sorting through the chaos of ourselves we're thrown into another year long separation.
Honest confession here. I feel very guilty. I feel guilty for leaving Alaska. I feel guilty for taking Madison away from him for a year prior to this deployment. I feel guilty for not staying and being strong. I feel guilty for not being there to make sure the house sold and that we were able to move on to the next chapter of our life together. Guilt will eat away at you and tear you up, strangling you. I know in my heart-of-hearts I wouldn't have made it up there. I made a decision that was best for our family at the time without even knowing it. I physically, mentally, spiritually could not survive up there any longer than I did. Yet the guilt still lurks around the corner each passing moment.
So let's deal with reality now. Byron is on his third deployment, second to Afghanistan. The separation has become "routine" and we understand how the entire deployment system works. And that's the very problem right there. It has become a routine. Our biggest concern going into this was our relationship not just surviving the year but miraculously coming out stronger. We were scared for us, for the marriage, for our life. Somehow in that the facts of deployment somehow evaded me. He is at war. And it's dangerous.
One night last week I was struggling to sleep so grabbed up my Kindle Byron had bought me for Mother's Day. I fell asleep reading and was startled awake at 12:22am by something unknown. I know it was 12:22am because for some odd reason I was holding my phone in my hand instead of having it on the ledge beside me. As I went to put it back I got a text message. It was a random 5 digit number with a dash inbetween. The message read "Families and friends of 5-1 CAV. It is with great sorrow that I tell you that on May 15, 3 1-25 soldiers were killed in" and that was it. The rest of the message cut off. I started to freak. As an Army wife we have been briefed repeatedly that we will never be notified of death by any means but in person. And the other wives generally never find out about someone else's death until the next of kin have been notified. Two minutes later I got a voicemail. It was a synthesized voice stating the same thing as the text but this time I got the full message. 3 of our 1-25 soldiers had been killed in action and 2 others severely injured. Please don't post anything about it on social media networking sites until names are released pending notification of next of kin. You have got to be kidding me. No names, no hint at what had happened. Nothing. Shortly after came the FRG email reiterrating the same message. And I was left to freak out for the remainder of the evening. It was a sense of panic that could not be replaced by logic. I knew I would be notified asap if something had happened to Byron but I couldn't believe in my heart that it wasn't him until I got some type of verification. I spent the entire early hours and next morning in a completely panicked state waiting to hear something, anything. It wasn't until 4pm that I finally heard from Byron. Fear paralyzed me as I answered the phone... just seeing the Afghanistan number and not knowing if it was him or not. When I heard his voice I completely lost it. I broke down and cried leaving him slightly confused and probably overwhelmed on the other line. He had no clue I had gotten those emails/texts/calls.
Surviving the deployment became a lot less relational and a lot more physical. Afghanistan is a crazy unsafe place. I have felt this whole time like the guys and especially Byron are untouchable. It was too soon for anyone to get killed. They just got there. These guys know what they're doing. Excuses just pouring through my head to make the soldiers of 1-25 invincible. It doesn't work like that in war apparently. This deployment very quickly took on an entirely different meaning. It's going to be long and tough. It'll likely try our marriage, test our patience and send me into hysterics more than once. Neither one of us can get through it alone. I'm so grateful to have a nurturing group of people to help us through it. But even more I'm grateful to have a firm understanding and find great comfort and peace in the fact that faith, hope and love can get you through anything. Faith in God, hope in the future and love. We'll make it.
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