Summer for a night

One of the biggest challenges in my life has been to find the positive when feeling weary or in tough situations.  It's difficult to find the silver lining when you feel your sky is completely overcast.  That being said, one of my goals recently has been to try and look for the positive in everything.

And then it snows.  Again.  And this really shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone in Ohio.  Although it's still winter for another month I'm pretty sure all my fellow Ohisians have had their fair share of snow this year. To be honest, I can't quite remember a more snowy season in Ohio.  But this girl from North Carolina  Arizona  Alaska... Ohio is not ready to let the snow beat me down yet.  When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; and when winter seems to never end, invite summer to come along.  That's what me and Madison did tonight.

Grocery shopping was excruciating the other day.  Starting completely fresh in a new house with nothing... well, it gets expensive to do the first grocery shopping.  I've been sticking to a strict budget which has been a huge financial blessing to Byron and I's financial situation.  It's made me appreciate how my mom taught us girls to budget, watch for deals and shop smart... even if it means finding something for $.50 cheaper somewhere else.  I have a constant awareness of what I'm spending and how it affects our new lifestyle.  And it gave me some anxiety with me and Madison venturing out on our own once again not knowing how it would change the current budget.  So I painstakingly made it to the grocery store.  As soon as we walked in Madison spotted a bin full of fresh, ripe watermelons for $5.  Her eyes lit up and I could see the little watermelon fairies dancing in her eyes. 

You have to understand something here.  Madison lives for watermelon.  And it makes sense because that's pretty much all I ate while I was pregnant.  Not many pickle and ice cream moments for me.. get me some slices of fresh, sweet watermelon and I was a happy pregnant person once again.  Studies have shown babies in the womb tend to take on the tastes their mothers experience during pregnancy.  Things that we crave they will generally like and things that revolt us they tend to stay away from.  In other words, the watermelon is no surprise.

At first I couldn't bring myself to spend the $5 for a whole watermelon we likely wouldn't be able to eat half of.  But the longing look in Madison's eyes tugged on my heartstrings and I'll admit, it sounded pretty good to me as well.  I rationalized it by saying it was just as much as a happy meal at McDonalds would cost me for Madison these days and with no further considerations I heaved the whole watermelon into the cart much to the delight of now ecstatic Madison.

So today we're pretty much snowed in.  Nowhere to go for once and just mom and daughter hanging out together itching to get out and run and play.  Enough of the snow.  Bring on the sun.  And then I saw the watermelon.  That was it! We were bringing summer to the dinner table.  Watermelon slices, sweet tea for mom, kool-aid for the kiddo and even napkins with hopeful suns and flowers on them.  The delight on Madison's face is apparent.

She was nearly shaking because I had to tell her to wait to take a bite until I got a picture of her. 

Think she was enjoying it???

So bring it on mother nature.  Go ahead and snow.  Threaten to shut down half of Ohio.  We're ready for you.  Afterall, we still have the rest of the watermelon :)

Clearing the Slate

Inspired by Marcy, I've decided to start a new blog.  I've been enjoying reading hers as she's started putting her thoughts into writing and it made me go back and read my prior 3 blogs I've kept... well part of them anyway!  I've blogged for over 10 years.  Sometimes 3 or 4 times a day, sometimes months inbetween an entry.  High school, college, military, love, breakups, life and even death.  Rereading my own words made me laugh many times... and cry.  It was a trip down nostalgia lane which resulted in one very obvious realization.  I've always been a victim.  And do you want to know a secret?  I'm only my own victim and I am NOT going to live that way any longer. 

My blogging has always been a way to vent emotions, many of them pent up frustrations I was never brave enough to say out loud to the people who probably needed to hear it.  So here's this new blog... a hope of great things to come and a breaking of the binding chains I've let hold me down.

So where does that leave me? I've kept rather quiet about the entire past year of life drama.  I've opened up to very few people and protected myself from as much heartache (ironically) as possible.  A year from last October I experienced a miscarriage right after Byron returning from deployment.  Then his grandfather died suddenly on Christmas.  And then my Papa passed away from leukemia after fighting it three times.  Add in financial burdens, 4000 miles to the closest family and the strain two deployments had taken on mine and Byron's relationship.  Life was tough.  In a desperate attempt to gain back control I allowed my military doctor to put me on Cymbalta for a combination of my chronic shoulder pain and depression.  I am convinced to this day that drug is responsible for every action I took throughout the beginning of last year.  I went crazy.  Literally, physically, mentally, spiritually.  I wasn't myself.  But you couldn't tell me that.  No one could.  I "knew" every decision I made was the "right" one and would lead me to future happiness and success.  Fail plan, Trisha.

As most know I left Byron to escape the Alaskan "wilderness" and return home to my family.  We had very real problems and serious struggles that appeared for so long impossible to overcome.  I spent months after trying to weave through the mess the two of us had created.  I pleaded for people to give me the answers.  I convinced myself I was finding them (but in all the wrong places) Eventually, I felt so crazy and out of control I took myself off the Cymbalta cold turkey.  Fail plan, again.  It took weeks to handle the "aftershocks" with literal brain zaps and withdrawl symptoms (do some research on Cymbalta, it's no joke) I suffered through chronic illnesses, dog bites (multiple), drama drama drama, etc. all the while crying out "GOD WHERE ARE YOU??? WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME A VICTIM???" 

And then I had a moment.




I've made myself the victim.

Maybe I can't prevent dog bites and I might have an affinity for natural disasters and accidents in my life.  But I'm not a victim.  And in a few moments of humble silence I made the crucial commitment to myself, to God, to life... to turn the pity wagon back around.  And even though my marriage was in shambles, my health was turning into a medical mystery and life was in it's natural chaotic state there was still hope.  Marriage is too sacred to just let go.  Life is too precious to live as a victim.  So I reclaimed freedom.  Just like that.

I'm not claiming to have found perfection or utopia.  Quite the opposite.  I still have an affinity for disaster, medical problems to work through and puzzle pieces of life to fit back together.  But admidst all of that is the freedom in reclaiming my life.  In having a positive outlook, a capable attitude and faith that even though I might not see the end picture there most definitely is one.  And it's beautiful.