Our comings and goings: Two Houses

Matthew West "Two Houses"

This song spoke volumes to me as Byron and I were quickly approaching the legal stage of our separation.  Matthew's album had just been released and this song brought me to my knees and continually filled me with guilt and dread of the life Madison was going to be subjected to.  It was that raw guilt that made me realize that all was not said and done, and that huge things could (and little did I know would) happen to drastically change our situation for the better.  In the end, Madison needs her daddy and I need my husband.

That being said, I thought I might need to publicly announce our near and upcoming future as a family.  Byron will likely return to the U.S. by the end of April.  He will return to Alaska since that is his duty station.  We were expecting a curtailment (basically leaving Alaska sometime this year) but as Army plans tend to do, that changed. Byron will come here to Ohio for the month of June and then we will drive back to Alaska together at the end of June.  We will likely be there for the next year and a half or so.  Baby is due in September, and we are excited about starting this next chapter as a family of 4.

It's not a long, wordy blog today.  However, it is a testament to how far God has brought us in the past two years.  I am so grateful that when we don't have the ears or heart to listen to what people tell us that we were given ears to hear music.  And I'm grateful that Matthew West's music spoke so strongly to me that I didn't give up.  Bring on the next chapter.  We're ready!
Well, Mom found her a new place to liveAnd Dad found him a new girlfriendLooks like every- body's moving onAnd it's, "Hey, look on the bright side kid,Now you've got two ChristmasesAnd it's every other weekend from now on"Yeah, but all I want is the way it wasWhen love would always last foreverAnd families stayed together
Back to the day before two housesWhen they held my hands when I was littleBefore I got caught in the middleSomewhere in between two houses
'Cause these two houses sure don't feel like homeWide-eyed wonder grows up fastTrust is shot and nothing lastsAnd I'm thinking maybe it was all my fault[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/two-houses-lyrics-matthew-west.html ]And will I ever get back toThe innocence that I once knewBefore that Summer turned into FallWhen I close my eyes, I go back in time
I heard about a love that never leavesSo I'm asking you to show meI'm talking to You down here on my kneesFeels like You've always known me
When love would always last for- everAnd families stayed togetherBack to the day before two housesYou were holding my hand when I was littleYou were there when I was in the middleSomewhere in between two housesThese two housesThese two housesBut tonight my heart has finally found a home

Chardon Shooting "Family Tree"

When the Littleton and Virginia Tech shootings took place there was an unmistakable shock and sadness that shook throughout the nation.  If you're the average person you were filled with a sense of loss for the lives lost and communities suffering.  And thank goodness nothing like that ever hits close to home, right? 

Wrong.

Today a teenage boy opened fire on 5 Chardon students, killing one of them.  I have close family and friends from Chardon... it was the "next door neighbor" to my own high school.  The student killed is family of one of Byron's closest friends.  This isn't entirely too close to home.  This IS home. 

As the day has gone on and minimal details have unraveled I think we've all felt a sense of despair and wanting answers, wanting to know, how, what, WHY.  The police, school officials, teachers, EMT's have done an amazing job today and I have huge amounts of respect for them.  That being said, we don't know much about the shooter.  He was a troubled teen attending an alternative school, known to have behavior issues.  Dad was convicted of murder, parents were divorced, friends saying he "changed" in 8th grade.  A loner... I've heard that repeated several times throughout the day.  Speculations of a fight between the students shot and this boy over jilted lover and an ex-girlfried.  Theories of a drug deal gone wrong.  Accusations and fingers being pointed at the students shot for bullying and at the family for "not being there" for the shooter, T.J.  In my opinon, it needs to stop.  There may have been signs, there will likely be a motive that comes forward but it is not our job to judge or pre-determine it for officials.

That being said, my heart is just breaking for everyone involved.  Keeping in theme with my Matthew West blogs "Family Tree" speaks volumes about this horrifying day for Chardon.

You didn't ask for this
Nobody ever would
Caught in the middle of this dysfunction
It's your sad reality
It's your messed up family tree
And all you're left with is all these questions

Are you gonna be like your father was and his father was?
Do you have to carry what they've handed down?

No, this is not your legacy
This is not your destiny
Yesterday does not define you
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you

I have a dream for you
It's better than where you've been
It's bigger than your imagination
You're gonna find real love
And you're gonna hold your kids
You'll change the course of generations

No, this is not your legacy
This is not your destiny
Yesterday does not define you
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you

Cause you're my child
You're my chosen
You are loved
You are loved

And I will restore
All that was broken
You are loved
You are loved

And just like the seasons change
Winter into spring
You're brining new life to your family tree now
Yes you are
You are

No, this will be your legacy
This will be your destiny
Yesterday did not define you
No, this will be your legacy
This will be your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you

And just like the seasons change
Winter into spring
You're brining new life to your family tree now

Every single person reading this.  Every single person not reading this.  The students.  The families.  T.J.  This is YOUR story.  Other people's mistakes and dysfunctions are not your identity.  You are not a victim because of your genes.  You do not have to fall into harmful and painful footsteps that your family has created before you. When tragedy likes this strikes everyone is left wondering "What more could I have done?" "How did I mess up so much that I didn't see this coming?" "Why did I not do something sooner?"  I refuse to believe that this kid was born into violence or murder just because it's how his father was.  I don't believe that his true identity is one of bully-driven hatred and anger.  He is not the shadow of an alleged murderer or the creation of bullies.  He is T.J.  And he has his own identity.  Let's not try to assign him one just because we need answers.

Everyone please take in the lyrics of this song and TRUST them.  If you are down, depressed, angry, full of revenge or hatred.  Those feelings are not your identity.  They aren't what has to define you.  No one on this earth may have the power to reverse things you've experienced or seen... and no one may have the right words or a magic wand to make the hurt and anger go away.  But there is never, ever an excuse to allow yourself to go over the edge.  EVERYONE has people who love them... and even when it seems the world walks out you have a loving God who is always, always there loving you through every trial and tribulation.  You don't have to be alone and you don't have to pre-destined to desperation.

Please keep the victims, the families, the community and especially the family and friends of T.J. and T.J. himself in your prayers.  Let's love them through this and not let our shock, sadness and even anger fuel the fire and drama.

“I choose gentleness… Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice may it be only in praise. If I clench my fist, may it be only in prayer. If I make a demand, may it be only of myself. ”
— Max Lucado