Cries of a military wife

Today I'm writing with a heavy heart.  I've been waiting for the right moment to blog for awhile now.. several blog topics in queue and ready to be hashed out in words.  And most of them in the evening hours or into the wee hours of the morning.  But today it's a late afternoon blog based on my emotional thought process in trying to comprehend and process a blog I read of someone I don't even know.

Jessica's Suicide Blog is the link if you would like the full story prior to my response. 

In summary, a suffering military wife who chose (and thank God failed) to take her own life.  PTSD, depression, alcohol, affairs, anger, resentment, war... the unfortunate typical life of a military wife suffering to not be a victim and failing miserably. 

I cringe when I hear people talk about people being a victim of their own circumstances, of them being able to prevent their own misery, to eliminate their stress and worries.  If you are that person thinking that of someone try helping them instead.  Be there for them.  Support them.  Love them. 

What rattled me to my core more than her actual blog was the outpouring of response from the blogging community of military wives.  Strangers loving her back to health (she is still hospitalized with a long road of recovery per a post from her parents).  Military wives admitting the SAME feelings of defeat and suicide attempts.  The number of people who have been in her shoes, felt her sorrow and could not find an escape.  In our darkest times and weakest moments we are blinded by any goodness, hope and love surrounding us.  It is nearly impossible to see through the thick fog.  We've all been there haven't we?  We're not victims of our own circumstances.  No.  If we were wise enough to see the light at the end of the tunnel, to solve our own problems, to correct our own attitudes in our most sorrow-filled and worrisome moments don't you think we would have already done it?

Military spouse life is hard.  I don't feel the need to expand upon that in this blog.  Either you get it or you don't.  Support from family and friends is invaluable.  And it is so easy... so so easy to fall into the trap of seeing the people who simply don't care or don't take the time to let you know that they do.  It's easy to sit back and point fingers at the people whose support you need the most who fail to give it.  It's easy to feel overwhelmed by the circumstances and trials along the way.  It's easy to allow our own pretentious human behavior to cloud the many blessings being poured out for us.  And it's even easier for people to watch people suffer through this and sit back and... do nothing. 

Thank you.  Thank you to those of you taking the time to read this.  Thank you to my family and friends who continually show how much they love and care... especially the dedicated few who stood by me and Byron throughout the last year of our separation and desperation of trying to hold our marriage together.  And even more to those of you who did it without judgment.  Thank you to my mom and Dale who took me in without questions asked and helped me get on my feet again.  Thank you to every friend who has heard me out and spent time listening to my frustrations.  A huge special thank you to my life group who has continually supported me, loved me, gotten me laughing every single week and refreshed and renewed my heart without even knowing they were doing it.  To each of you who has taken time to call (sometimes repeatedly when I won't answer the phone or call back!), to write a note, to offer a hand of help, to pray for us, to help us out financially, to care for Madison, to text, to  do something as simple as commenting on Facebook.  You all are invaluable to me.  I hope you all realize the importance you have to me and how the simplest amounts of support are what get me (and have gotten me) through. 

My heartfelt prayers go out to Jessica and her family.  I pray that she makes a full and healthy recovery with the ability to have her vision unclouded to see how special and important she is.  In fact, that's my prayer for every military wife who is struggling with the life of the military getting them down and making them hit rock bottom.  If you feel led Jessica's parents have set up a PO Box for cards and letters of encouragement to be sent to her.

Jessica
P.O. Box 292138
Columbia, SC 29229

Shy

Can anyone reading this imagine me as shy?  You might not believe it but I've come a long, long way.  I used to be painfully shy.  It made me nervous to meet anyone new.  I'd rather die than have to introduce myself to someone I didn't know.  It was like that since childhood.  As I've grown up meeting people has become easier.  When you move as often as we have it becomes a trained ability.  You either meet people in the Army or you suffer.  The hello's are now the easy part and the goodbyes get harder as we go on.  The shy, reserved person I was is much more outgoing and friendly, oftentimes replaced with a person with an odd sense of humor not everyone can always appreciate. 

In elementary school I hardly spoke to anyone.  My reserved nature was content playing on my own, reading on the side or doing my homework while everyone else chatted.  It made me a target and a victim of my own circumstance.  I was relentlessly teased and picked on.  Name calling, bullying, and worse yet the ignoring.  One of my most vivid memories is of 5th grade.  It was near the end of the year and the teacher had said everyone could move their desks wherever and however they wanted.  All of the girls talked in hushed whispers and one by one moved their desks into a circle all together... every single one of them.... leaving me on the opposite side of the room.  Alone.  Their giggles and smug looks of pre-teen contentment have stuck with me for years.

It's no wonder that one of my biggest fear as a mother was having a child that wasn't liked by others or gets picked on.  Or worse yet... painstakingly shy leading to all of the above.  There are moments I have worried as she is completely attached to me.  She goes where I go, I go where she goes, wherever we go we do it together.  Me and that little 4 year old girl have been through a lot.  And knowing how attached she is to me made me begin to worry even more.  I see her play alone and entertain herself even when other kids are around.  At Justin's birthday party several weeks ago all of the kids were running and playing together and there was Madison in Justin's room... content as can be playing by herself.  She enjoys going to the Eagle's Nest, a free daycare at the grocery store but even there I'll sneak peeks and watch her entertaining herself while the other kids play together.  One day I asked her why she didn't play with other kids and she told me "I didn't know their names."  Simple as that.  I explained to her that she can tell them HER name and ask them to play and they could have lots of fun.  So fast forward a week.  I had had a trying day with her, we had been cooped up in the house for three days and it was just time to get out.  I took her up to the McDonalds with a playplace.  And there she started the cycle.  Running through the maze of kids not talking to anyone.  It cleared out, my coffee was dwindling and I was getting ready to leave when a girl about her age came in.  I saw Madison look at me and smile and as if looking for my approval she ran up to the girl.  "Hi, I'm Madison.  I'm 4.  Would you like to play with me?"

They were best buddies for the rest of the night.  When we went to leave Madison asked "Mommy, can she come spend the night?" It did my heart good. She's funny.  She's outgoing.  And she's been blessed by a beautiful face and outgoing personality that no kid in their right mind could ever make fun of.  I adore this little girl and find her inspiring more than she knows.  She has a bright future.  Of course she has to, I'm her mommy :)