On the verge of...

I have a really hard time settling chaos in my life.  It follows me.  It's attracted to me and perhaps myself to it.  And I don't know how to tame it.  This week it's spider bites, sickness, doctor's appointments, spilled trash, crazy emotions... wait, did I say spilled trash???

Back it up.  Last night I went to bed really peacefully.  I've been bad and letting Madison sleep with me since Byron's been gone again.  She was having a hard time going to bed and I'll be honest, I was too.  It's just natural, the two of us, to sleep together when Daddy's gone.  I've been going to bed way too late myself and not getting enough sleep.  I went to bed at a reasonable 11pm last night but could not force myself into slumber.  Instead I watched Madison snoring softly beside  me, her body wrapped up against me and her face nestled in the crook of my arm.  I just simply adored her beautiful face and how peaceful she was in her sleep.  I am so blessed by her.  Is it silly to say that a four year old is one of my best friends?  We're inseparable.  I can count on both hands how many nights I've spent away from her since she's been born.  Why is it so easy to see how precious she is when she's asleep and so hard to remember that during the waking hours?  Because she's 4.

I found myself in a funk today that progressed throughout the day.  Bogged down by chores to catch up on at the house, hours to make sure I'm getting in for work, my schedule for the week, etc.  Remembering commitments I've made to people over the next week and stressing about whether I've double booked myself or not.  I figured it would all calm itself at life group as it normally does.  We enjoyed the cake for little P's 1st birthday.  But as we "settled in" for the lesson I felt the funk coming on more.  We are doing a study on building stronger marriages which is an EXCELLENT thing for Byron and I.  But it was dredging up memories and fears.  Sparking the fear of deployment and the separation that we are facing.  Starting a brand new relationship again but not able to spend it together.  Add in the chaos of the kids tonight.... little P getting fussy after a pound of sugar, Madison and Peyton fighting and crying and not wanting to share, just the buzz of it all and I felt myself building on the verge of a breakdown.  Madison didn't listen when I told her to do something so when I yelled at her she started crying.... loudly... and I had to walk away.  I got our stuff together hastily, shouted a goodbye I'm not sure more than 1 or 2 people actually heard and rushed out of there before I started crying.

And I breathed. 

I told myself I wouldn't let the spiral take control.  I had the rest of the evening and I didn't have to do anything but relax.  Madison always falls asleep on the way home from life group, I'm caught up on work and I was looking forward to just sitting back and taking in the evening.  Wrong again.  We got home, I got the garbage out, took care of a few odds and ends and had JUST sat down.  CRASHHHHHHHH!!!! And then a cry.  Not the cry of whining, tired 4 year old but that of a scared or hurt 4 year old.  I rushed to the crime scene kitchen to find the entire trash can and its contents all over the ground and Madison.  The dogs have a bad habit of getting into the trash when I'm not at home so I put it up.  It was full today... we don't have a garbage disposal... so it has the last 3 or so days of remnants.... corn, ranch dressing, hot dog bits, coffee grounds, pudding, ketchup... well you get the picture.  Madison had gotten upset when I told her there were no fruit snacks left and I had thrown the box away.  She had taken it into her own hands to climb on top of the table to take a look for herself.  Only her plan went awry when she tried putting the chair up there too toppling into the garbage can and then both of them from the table to the ground.  This was no small mess.  Madison (freshly bathed several hours prior) now had her hair matted down with unidentifiable mush and coffee grounds, sour cream down her arms, wrappers sticking to her now slime covered body.  My favorite and only pair of black dress shoes now covered in and filled with sludge. The dogs were digging into the trash, some liquid was riveting across the floor and I'm pretty sure I could hear the army of ants planning their assault attack.  Madison had hurt her elbow, was crying and wanting to be picked up and I didn't know where to start. 

And the tears came.

We got through it of course.  Madison got in the bathtub after a major freak out that 3 ants were crawling along the edge.  I shoved the dogs outside and started the nasty task of cleanup in the kitchen.  Vacuum dry particles, wet cloth and cleaner to the mush.  As I cleaned I noticed the giant furballs wafting around under the table, saw the spider webs forming in the corner, the sock that's been sitting in the corner for several days.... all stuff that's been on my list to get done for the past week. 

Completely overwhelmed. 

So where's the analogy in all of this?  I can make analogies out of almost anything in life but not this time.  Just raw emotion wrapped up in the trash and chaos.  That's life.  We can dwell on it or we can overcome it.  It's not going to settle down just because we want it to.  I wish I had something more insightful or profound but tonight it's just life.  And tomorrow's a new beginning.  As much as she might be fighting it and not liking it Madison will fall asleep.  And that angelic look I found comfort in last night will return.  And we try again tomorrow.

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
   for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
   for to you I entrust my life. " Psalm 143:8