This one has been a long time coming. I keep alluding to the "deployment" email that has always been set for some future date. Well, here it is. It's been delayed partially because I simply haven't had time to sit down and write and partially because I haven't known how to express my feelings in words. Seems a bit ironic for me, no?
This whole deployment from the start has been awkward. And I feel awkward talking about it. You see, it wasn't "supposed" to happen. I say "supposed" because I know all things in life happen for a reason and God has His hand all over it, sometimes we just choose some especially long-winded paths. When Byron and I were separated we had quite the hard time figuring out what was going to happen with the house. It wasn't selling, we have the mortgage on it and he was scheduled to leave Alaska in December. Both of us had the least amount of hope in our marriage than any other point and there seemed to be no other decision. Byron signed to stay in Alaska for another three years for the sake of the house alone. We couldn't afford to pay on it, didn't want to risk having renters in it while we were out of state and neither one of us would be able to maintain it if a divorce was finalized. Staying in Alaska was the logical choice for Byron. That also meant signing onto this current deployment.
I have a really hard time wondering what people think of me. I always have. And it makes it worse knowing what we've gone through in the past year. The horrible rumors that were spread around, the truths we had to weave through and deal with and the confusion I'm sure we spread to everyone makes me assume everyone is eyeing us suspiciously and perhaps judgementally. I don't like that feeling. At all. So I've kept pretty quiet about the entire situation and tried to keep a smile on my face (do you see a repetitive defense mechanism pattern here yet?) Afterall, we've been through two deployments. Third times a charm? And even though Byron and I have still been sorting through the chaos of ourselves we're thrown into another year long separation.
Honest confession here. I feel very guilty. I feel guilty for leaving Alaska. I feel guilty for taking Madison away from him for a year prior to this deployment. I feel guilty for not staying and being strong. I feel guilty for not being there to make sure the house sold and that we were able to move on to the next chapter of our life together. Guilt will eat away at you and tear you up, strangling you. I know in my heart-of-hearts I wouldn't have made it up there. I made a decision that was best for our family at the time without even knowing it. I physically, mentally, spiritually could not survive up there any longer than I did. Yet the guilt still lurks around the corner each passing moment.
So let's deal with reality now. Byron is on his third deployment, second to Afghanistan. The separation has become "routine" and we understand how the entire deployment system works. And that's the very problem right there. It has become a routine. Our biggest concern going into this was our relationship not just surviving the year but miraculously coming out stronger. We were scared for us, for the marriage, for our life. Somehow in that the facts of deployment somehow evaded me. He is at war. And it's dangerous.
One night last week I was struggling to sleep so grabbed up my Kindle Byron had bought me for Mother's Day. I fell asleep reading and was startled awake at 12:22am by something unknown. I know it was 12:22am because for some odd reason I was holding my phone in my hand instead of having it on the ledge beside me. As I went to put it back I got a text message. It was a random 5 digit number with a dash inbetween. The message read "Families and friends of 5-1 CAV. It is with great sorrow that I tell you that on May 15, 3 1-25 soldiers were killed in" and that was it. The rest of the message cut off. I started to freak. As an Army wife we have been briefed repeatedly that we will never be notified of death by any means but in person. And the other wives generally never find out about someone else's death until the next of kin have been notified. Two minutes later I got a voicemail. It was a synthesized voice stating the same thing as the text but this time I got the full message. 3 of our 1-25 soldiers had been killed in action and 2 others severely injured. Please don't post anything about it on social media networking sites until names are released pending notification of next of kin. You have got to be kidding me. No names, no hint at what had happened. Nothing. Shortly after came the FRG email reiterrating the same message. And I was left to freak out for the remainder of the evening. It was a sense of panic that could not be replaced by logic. I knew I would be notified asap if something had happened to Byron but I couldn't believe in my heart that it wasn't him until I got some type of verification. I spent the entire early hours and next morning in a completely panicked state waiting to hear something, anything. It wasn't until 4pm that I finally heard from Byron. Fear paralyzed me as I answered the phone... just seeing the Afghanistan number and not knowing if it was him or not. When I heard his voice I completely lost it. I broke down and cried leaving him slightly confused and probably overwhelmed on the other line. He had no clue I had gotten those emails/texts/calls.
Surviving the deployment became a lot less relational and a lot more physical. Afghanistan is a crazy unsafe place. I have felt this whole time like the guys and especially Byron are untouchable. It was too soon for anyone to get killed. They just got there. These guys know what they're doing. Excuses just pouring through my head to make the soldiers of 1-25 invincible. It doesn't work like that in war apparently. This deployment very quickly took on an entirely different meaning. It's going to be long and tough. It'll likely try our marriage, test our patience and send me into hysterics more than once. Neither one of us can get through it alone. I'm so grateful to have a nurturing group of people to help us through it. But even more I'm grateful to have a firm understanding and find great comfort and peace in the fact that faith, hope and love can get you through anything. Faith in God, hope in the future and love. We'll make it.
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