This is the Stuff

It's been an overwhelming week and again I sit down to blog with my mind whirling and buzzing.  Byron left this past week for Afghanistan, his third tour overseas and 2nd one to Afghanistan.  He arrived at his final destination today and is beginning the process of "settling in".  Another blog about all of this deployment stuff another day though :)

I've been tending to blog about chaos and the messiness of our lives a lot.  It's no coincidence because it's what has been on my heart and mind almost constantly.  A constant struggle to overcome it and a constant struggle to rise above it.

I've been dealing with this horrible condition called Benign Paraoxysmal Positional Vertigo. Basically, I'm dizzy.  All the time.  It's a condition where crystals are in your inner ear fluid that are supposed to be stationary on an organ within the ear.  Normally no cause is found.  Many time it goes away on its own but the duration can be weeks.  It is mentally and physically exhausting.  And very, very frustrating.  It's hard to focus for work, hard to try and clean and keep up on housework, hard to take care of Madison and have patience with her.  I fall and trip over my own two feet, drop things all the times, run into things.  I go tomorrow for more testing on my ear and to develop more of a "treatment" plan which basically eliminates coffe, salt and sugar from my diet and entails me running back and forth across rooms with my eyes closed.  Sound fun yet?

So Byon deployed last week.  We have our old realtor sending harassing text messages and emails about what horrible people we are for switching realtors.  There was last minute deployment stuff and then dealing with the adjustment of him being gone.  Madison has been acting out since Byron has left.  This week she cut the dog's hair... and then her own (leaving a good chunk of very short hair on the side of her head), constant spills and messes, new "creative" projects I'm finding she's done while I'm working or cooking or cleaning or passing out from being dizzy :)  At one point she spilled an entire glass of milk on the couch and I literally sat down and cried over spilled milk.  It didn't much matter in the end.  I put the couch cover in the wash Saturday night and we went to my mom's on Sunday.  Came home that evening and the couch was chewed through and destroyed... bits of yellow foam and white stuffing everywhere.  That's been this week.

Today I got to feeling really bogged down and really anxious about how backed up I am on everything... on work, on cleaning, on laundry, on my to-do list.  Ever present in any mom's life (but certainly more in that of a deployed soldier's wife) is the feeling that we are never doing enough, that we won't be able to do enough and therefore leads to an identity and feeling that we will never be enough.  That's a tough pill to swallow.  I got to thinking about it this afternoon.  I put in hours for work this morning, did 2 loads of laundry, caught up on dishes, folded some laundry, bathed Madison, went to the post office (rent check sent, change of address done, military boxes picked up and pictures finally mailed out to family), got the insurance settlement checks deposited at the bank, got gas and car washed, Mother's Day gifts bought, grocery shopping done, groceries put away, car cleaned out, bubbles blown with Madison and chalk drawings complete, quick dinner, 2 more hours of work, cleaned up the living room, fed the dogs, bedtime routine (and got her into her own bed for the first time since Daddy left)  I looked at my list which was only about a third of the way crossed off for the day and felt defeated.  Why couldn't I have done more?  And then it hit me.  I couldn't have.  I did what I could and for today, that was enough.  Each day is enough.

On Sunday I spent a frantic Sunday looking for my phone I had lost the night prior.  I could not miss Byron's call.  Any person who has dealt with a deployment knows you cannot leave your phone.  It is your lifeline.  And when you miss those calls by thirty seconds you curse the voicemail and beg it to call back even though they just called 3 times.  I was frazzled, had missed church by now and was about to go into an anxiety attack when Lynn texted me as I was putting the previously mentioned couch cover in the dryer and I heard it ding.  I had dropped it the night prior between the washer and dryer.  On my way home from my mom's house I was listening to the radio and (prior to finding the couch shredded) I heard this song by Francesca Battistelli, a Christian singer I'd never heard of before.  I loved the sound of the music and the lyrics tell all you need to know!

Francesca Battistelli "This is the Stuff"

I lost my keys in the great unknown
And call me please 'Cuz I can't find my phone

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

45 in a 35
Sirens and fines while I'm running behind
Whoa

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/this-is-the-stuff-lyrics-francesca-battistelli.html ]

But this is the stuff You use

So break me of impatience
Conquer my frustrations
I've got a new appreciation
It's not the end of the world
Oh Oh Oh