My Own Little World

After a six month hiatus I'm back to the blogging world.  I'm excited about this blog.  At first, I was going to say I'm going to wait on the Matthew West blogging idea altogether.  Then I realized how very perfect his song "My Own Little World" coincides with the blog I was intending.  So here it goes.

It's no secret anymore (and perhaps never was) the amount of chaos that surrounds my life.  Something is always amiss, going wrong, someone's hurt, something's lost, etc.  Many times I've had no choice but to make everything in life about me.  Through the past several years I've realized some of my drama queen tendencies in overreacting to situations, and trust me... I've worked hard to reverse that role! However, there are things like family deaths, miscarriages and even completely torn off toe nails that you can't overreact to or possibly avoid.  Each day has always been a survival fight.

Several months ago I had the awesome opportunity to travel with the ladies from my church to the Come to the Fire Conference in Grove City.  The conference was titled "Entering His Rest"  I went into the weekend with an open mind and heart.  I had no idea what to expect.  What happened is simple.  I cleansed my heart and it was healed.  Once I let go of everything "busy" and "chaotic" and utterly stressful in my life a new vision was opened up to me.  When you clear out the baggage in your life you make room for other things to fill the space.  And it's not about me.  I felt a relief and release from the world's hold on MY life.  In turn, I was filled with a deep-seeded anxiousness to serve and help others.

What if there's a bigger picture?
What if I've been missing out? 
What if there's a greater purpose? 
I could be living right now, outside my own little world.

That's where my struggle lies now.  I want to cause positive change in other people's lives.  I'm becoming more in tune to other people's trials and chaos instead of focusing on my own.  The problem is... I'm not quite sure where to go with that.  My heart is in the right place, but this is all so new to me.  I don't know how I fit into THEIR picture.

I don't want to miss what matters.
I want to be reaching out.
Show me a greater purpose
I could be living right now.

1) Money - Financially Byron and I are doing better than we ever have, but we still don't have much extra to give away.  It seems the majority of the problems I run into is financial crisis of other people or families.  My heart breaks for this because I have been there.  We have been so far in debt that the next paycheck doesn't even cover all of the overdrafted items and fees.  We have not known where money for groceries or diapers would come from.  It was desperation.  With the help of one amazing woman, our crisis was reversed and we were able to get on track.  With some serious devotion and sacrifices we have paid off $20,000 in debt in the past year.  Save the applause.  We never should have been there in the first place.  But now I am aware and sensitive of those people struggling to make ends meet.  I can think of four friends very near and dear to me that currently are and have been having serious financial difficulties.  I hear their heartache and I know that pain oh so personally.  My heart breaks as I realize I cannot take their financial difficulties away.  Then I go more global and think about local charities, homeless people I see on the side of the freeway, world hunger... does it ever stop?  We sponsor two children through World Vision and Food for the Hungry.  While I am proud to give that money each month I also have a very raw anger that I can't do more for the other millions of starving kids, local homeless shelters, friends about to declare bankruptcy.....

2) Time - Who in America has extra time?  Seems as if I don't.  Byron just came in a whirlwind of two weeks.  I have two dogs and an almost 5 year old I'm keeping up with.  The house, cleaning, cooking, bills, car, work, laundry, etc.  You all know the picture I'm painting.  We're in a society that only knows the meaning of "go".  I wish I could run down to Hope House and volunteer for a regular position to help them.  I've always wanted to join a Habitat for Humanity team.  I have a heart longing to go on a missions trip.  I don't know where to find the time.

3) Prayer - When you can't devote your time, energies or money to a worthy cause where is the first place Christians generally turn to?  Prayer.  Prayer becomes life's bandage and a way to feel less guilty about not doing it all.  We pray when things get tough for us or other people.  We pray for other people's friends and family and struggles.  We pray for healing and divine intervention.  I have never been a strong prayer.  I am guilty of the "help me" prayers.  I believe in the power of prayer and I have seen firsthand (and believe in my soul) the way it changes lives.  But I don't do it enough.  Guilty.  Very.  I have a fear of praying out loud.  I have a guilt every time I pray that I don't do it enough.  And I know that helping others only begins at prayer, but doesn't stop there. I still have to take action.  I still have to find a way to help.

3) The Mental Game - Then I start to feel bad.  I want to do everything for everyone.  I have a million great ideas and have only acted on a handful of them.  I start to mentally beat myself for everything I haven't done that I want to do.  I have found that since I've had a more open heart I AM doing more to help others.  But in return I get more and more burned out.  The hardest thing I've had to accept is that when you do nice things for others it often goes without thanks, without appreciation and sometimes even with disrespect in return.  It's opened my eyes to what pastors must go through on a constant basis always trying to help other people's problems, encourage them to live the correct way, guide them, teach them, etc. only to have it spit back in their face.  My human nature starts to take over.  I help a friend and they scoff for me not helping them the right way.  I give money to a homeless person and see him walking out of a bar an hour later.  I try to buy fair-trade products not from slavery and fail.  I get depressed and angry.  "Why are people not gracious?" "Why is this person throwing their life, relationship, money, _______.... away?" "Why do I live with such an EXCESS of stuff that over 100 people and children of other countries are working as my slave?  The mental game will torture you and destroy you if you let it.

4) The Curse - I fall into old habits.  I gossip.  I envy.  I am quick to anger.  I'm stubborn.  I procrastinate.  And even though one man saved me from that and redeemed me, the fall of man is still heavy in every life.  Romans 7.  Just read it.  Even though my heart is good and intentions are great I am still human.  And I don't do things right all the time.  I'm nowhere near perfect.  I am a sinner.

Where does this all go other than driving a person crazy?  The next lyrics are my prayer:

Father, break my heart for what breaks yours.
Give me open hands and open doors.
Put your light in my eyes and let me see
That my own little world is not about me.


Rinse and repeat.  Over and over and over again.  And don't quit.  As long as your heart is that of Jesus you will never be led astray.  And if you keep your heart open and willing the resources and time and energies and prayers for people in need will be supplied.  And don't ever, ever forget that it's not about you or me.  The world we live in intimately knows hurt, struggle and chaos.  Break me, open me, enlighten me and then let me share it with those who need it.